▶ Your Answer :
Presently, most discourse has been deliberated on
advertising’s abuse. A great amount of customers are affected by commercials that contained inaccurate information and enormous errors. I believe that these
ceaseless advertisements are the one that should be governed and controlled. It
is a great consequence that we look into the matter more closely.
The first result affected is that extremely
expressed information regardless of the right that customer should know about.<(??) The
word advertisement is interpreted as the meaning which offering the detailed content
for commercial products such as a food, a cloth and even a plastic surgery, not
splendor. However, a number of advertisings has have been changed into spectacular
entertainment with magnificent context and attractive visualization. That does not realistically give us the chance to decide on a proper product and the kind of
phenomenon causes the increasing figure of victims. For example, in Korea where
plastic surgery has commonly been conducted, unreasonable accidents related to
victims by plastic surgery have been occurred through erroneous reports of
advertisements. Given the severity of this case, we have no alternative, but to
take immediate step to protect of that. <( 전체적으로 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
(Need better transition)
To start with, government’s law that can control
their abuse should be established. The law itself might be accepted as a legal
invention. However, citizens have the right to know about detailed information of the for products they want to buy. That is a absolute thing that is never be changed by
competition of companies through advertising. Second, the right mark of
information should be displayed. These have clearly been written on the screen.
However, explanation takes a small space in the corner. Companies just obey
regulations through the act behind the unfair text. Hence, these <what are these?) should have
the time to reset the indicator of information for commercial.
To wrap up, there are many reasons why this issue
took place, however, I deem that with the combined effort of the government and
the populace, issues on side effects of commercial abuse could be solved.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 전체적으로 내용 정리/summarize를 조금 더 해주시고 clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes가 많습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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