▶ Your Answer : In recent years, there is an ongoing heated debate on the governmental supports of people's disease, affecting the lowering of the burden of the sick in the contemporary world. People argue what is the most important helps, whether prevention is or treatment is. In this essay, I will pose both sides of this phenomenon and my stance with some applicable supports. <(Do you agree 질문이기 때문에 글쓴이의 주장을 introduction에서 부터 clear해야하며 그것을 기반을 에세이를 서술 해주셔야합니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 guess하게 하는 것은 좋지 않습니다) To begin with, there are various reasons to focus on the prevention and change of life style toward reducing the number of getting sick. Firstly, it is definitely easy to do some behaviours to which protect themselves, although it also is a tiresome work.<(little unclear) To elaborate, only to wash hands before and after going outside and touching outside things or coming back at home will be a far powerful preventional method, which was reported by WHO. Furthermore, now many people now are interested in their well-being lives, as the modern society is growing over living standards. Hence, if governments show an advertise about the simple prevention way of diseases like vaccinations to the public, people can figure out what they have to do. Lastly, on an economical level, there are many statistics on the money efficiency of prevention rather than the cure of diseases. Be that as it may, others say the necessity of governmental supports regards treatments after becoming got sick. In other words, the government's financial aids should apply for patients who do not have ability to pay for their hospital bills. A number of people are under financial difficulties, since because of the high cost of long-term admission or expensive medicines, and since when patients cannot work due to sickness. In addition, the families of a patient need a help including money supports to live themselves and psychological helps which are about for possible depression and anxiety. To recapitulate, taking into account both sets of argument, I believe that supports is needed on both sides, but before illness, if governments endeavor more to change people's perception to prevent diseases, the number of sick people will dramatically reduce.
Score: 5.5 Comment: Body 내용이 opinion essay 보다는 discussion essay 처럼 들립니다. Conclusion에 있는 글쓴이의 의견을 introduction에도 밝히시고 그것을 body에 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 에서도 둘다 support하는게 맞다 라는 느낌으로 서술을 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 그리고 글쓴이의 주장/의견을 묻는 질문이기 때문에 다른 사람의 의견 또한 안쓰시는게 좋습니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 이 부분들은 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |