Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money.
How might having a lot of money make people happy?
What other things in life can make people happy?
40분 367words 입니다.
목표점수: 8.0
기한: 가능한 올해 안에
----------------------
There is an ongoing debate over whether having a
lot of money ensures happiness in our lives. Personally, I agree with this idea
to some extent because money can make our lives more convenient.
Above all, money enables us to buy what we
really want. Rich people are more likely to have more options to choose from when
they purchase something whereas people who don’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) make enough income cannot help
but to choose the cheapest one. According to a study recently released by the
Korean National Research Center, more than two-thirds of the respondents
mentioned that they have more satisfaction with their purchases when they could
select goods or services that perfectly matched to their needs, no matter how
much they are. In fact, there is a substantial rise in the number of consumers
who look for expensive electronic products which have wide range of design and various
functions. Besides, money can give you more chances to have quality time with
your loved ones. For example, travelling normally costs a lot because you have
to book accommodation, eat local food, and visit tourist attractions. However,
if you have enough money so don’t have to work every day, you can take a long
trip with your family even to different countries and widen your children’s
experiences. (기본적으로 2인칭은 구어에 해당하기 때문에, Task1이든 2이든 따로 쓸 일은 없다고 보시면 됩니다. tofu님 실력이면 알아서 2인칭이 안 쓰이게 바꾸실 수 있을 거라 제가 따로 건드리지는 않았고요. 여기, 그리고 밑의 문단의 2인칭도 다 대체해주세요!)
However, money is not the only thing that
is needed to lead a more enriched life. Having good people around you and
interacting with them are also very essential. With them, you can build a sense
of social belonging and have a shared understanding in your life. Having someone
who will stand on your side in any situation will become more important as you
get older. Also, having a career that you are satisfied with is very important.
If you can deeply concentrate on your work and produce good results as an
output, you will feel a great sense of achievement, which helps not only your
mental growth but your growth in career.
To conclude, money plays an important role
in making life (이렇게 하지 않을 경우 our 와 people에서 인칭 통일이 안 되어버립니다.) our lives happier because it enables people to fulfill their needs
and have more experiences with their family or friends. However, money cannot
provide emotional support that is important especially in today’s society. (그러면 뭐가 그걸 주는지를 적어주시면 됩니다. 이에 대해서는 본론2의 내용을 요약해주시면 되고요.)
---------------
본론 1번째 문단에 비해 2번째 문단이 내용과 양에서 좀 부족한 듯 한데 괜찮은지 모르겠네요..
사실 6~7점 목표하는 학생들에게는 딱히 상관은 없습니다. 그러나 8점 필요하신 tofu님의 경우 저런 것도 다 챙겨주셔야 하고요. 본론1을 간추리는 동시에 본론2를 늘려주시면 돼요.
감사합니다.
총평: (8/7/7/8) 7.5
일단 8.0은 절대 쉬운 점수가 아니긴 한데, 천만다행으로 8점에 가기 위한 필요조건인 '영어 실력'은 갖추고 계신 것으로 보입니다. 줄임말을 풀어쓰는 것 등 글에 대한 요령은 제가 그때그때 체크해드릴테니까, tofu님께서는 꼭!!!!! 모범답안을 많이 보시고 이를 분석해서 내 것으로 만들어주셔야 합니다. 이는 특히 task1에서 중요하며, tofu님처럼 최상위권 학생들은 결국 task1에서 점수가 갈리니까 반드시 미리미리 분석해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)