People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
It is true that ever-increasing illnesses are becoming serious problems in our society. Many people are not concerned about their health because they do not have efficient time to take care of themselves and they frequently eat fast foods and instant foods that lead them to obesity or diabetes. In my personal opinion, I certainly agree that people should have to take care of their health. (글의 논점은 사람들이 건강에 신경써야 한다~가 아니라, 자신의 건강 악화를 자초하는 사람들에 한해서는 의료비를 더 내야한다~가 됩니다. 이에 따라 밑의 글 전부는 오프토픽입니다. 일단 문법 때문에 봐드리긴 하겠으나, 채점관들은 그냥 바로 오프토픽 때리고 넘길 거에요.)
To begin with, many people neglect their health care because of a lack of time. They are pressed for time deadline that they work overtime, during their holidays and weekends too, when they take time off they tend to not move or go anywhere and even they do not get out of the bed because they are of exhausted, thus leading them to obesity. It is the only way to prevent obesity, people People should do exercise and they figure out what sort of exercise; yoga, pilates and jog, they really enjoy, because it is the only way to prevent obesity. If people do workout routinely they should enhance their immunsystem.
Furthermore, many people like eating fast foods and instant foods because those are convenient, people do not have to spend time cooking as well as save money too. However, fast foods or instant foods do not contain sufficient nutritions that only have fat, sugar and carbohydrate that may cause obesity and diabete. People have to consider their health care. consuming unhealthy foods, If they cook by themselves, that would be able to prevent diabete.
To sum up, many people are easily exposed to illnesses from their poor lifestyle and unhealthy diets that they sleep late and eat unhealthy non nutrition foods. People have to dedicate themselves to doing exercise and consuming healthy foods that should prevent serious diseases. As far as I am concerned, I totally agree to take care of more health because if If we lose our health we should not do anything what we want to do, and I believe that health is the most important thing in my life.
소요시간: 거의 2 시간
목표점수: 6.5
총평: 일단 오프토픽이라 점수를 매기는 건 의미가 없지만, 설령 오프토픽이 아니었다고 하더라도 2시간 걸렸다는 점 때문에 6.5는 절대 안 나왔을 거에요. 문법 등에도 문제가 있고요.
시험까지 시간이 얼마 남지 않아서, 냉정히 말씀드리면 정말 스파르타로 파셔야 할 겁니다. 특히 이번 시험이 마지막 기회이면 더더욱 그렇고요. 일단 시간 단축이랑 문법은 제가 어떻게 해드릴 수 있는 사항이 아니기 때문에 Sssss님께서 꼭 따로 챙겨주셔야 합니다. 이 둘이 제일 중요해요. 글에 대한 요령 등은 제가 첨삭을 통해 따로 잡아드릴테니까, 꼭!!!!! 시간 단축, 그리고 문법 공부는 직접 해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)
+이 글은 pay more for health care에 주목해주셔야 합니다.