▶ Your Answer :
Taking a gap year or not has been a
debatable topic around the world. A gap year would be beneficial to get the
opportunities of practical and life experiences while students who did not take
a gap year would be financially stable faster. <(질문에 대한 답이 clear하지는 않습니다)
I disagree that students who do not take
a gap year would be at a disadvantages because even though they cannot get a
practical experience at an earlier age, they can be financially stable faster.<(this should be clear in the introduction) Those who did not take a gap year have to spend money travelling around the
world despite the practical experience, while the people who did not take a gap
year will be financially stabilized faster by working full time. <(논리적으로 고등학생에서 대학생이 되는 것이기 때문에 full time으로 일해서 financially stabilized 된다는 점은 조금 이상합니다. 조금 더 clarity 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. ) Most of full
time positions are required of degree qualifications, so that students without a gap year will be at an advantages. For example, in the case of McDonald's managers
position in Australia, the job is required to work full time with a degree
qualification but the salary is worth $60,000, which is equivalent to any
middle level of manager's salary. Therefore, students will be financially safer
without taking a gap year.
(Need to use transition)
(Need better topic sentence)>I disagree that students who took a gap
year will be benefited beneficial because despite broaden the view, <(??) the financial part is a too burden for the parents. For example, if any English students are travelling
to developing countries to gain a practical experience during a gap year, such
as Cambodia, they would not be able to find a job due to the language barrier.
Therefore, all finances should be supported by their parents. If students are trying
to get a practical experience within the local area, they cannot find a higher
position because higher positions is required to have a degree qualification. In
that case, it would be better not to take a gap year because those lower
positions can be overseen by students who did not take a gap year. Therefore,
taking a gap year is waste of time and money.
In conclusion, despite getting the
practical experiences at an earlier age, students still have to be dependent on
their parents financially. Therefore it would be more beneficial to do not
take a gap year so that students can be financially independent much quicker.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 글쓴이의 주장은 introduction에서 부터 clear해야합니다. 전체적으로 clarity/specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 내용을 조금 더 summarize해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |