▶ Your Answer :
Some people claim that, it is more
convenient to travel with a tour guide is the best way to travel. <Need coherence> People travel
for various reasons, but the major majority purpose of the travel is to relax. <(질문을 답해주는 thesis statement가 없습니다)
Some people claim that travelling in a
group with a tour guide is the best way to travel because it is more
convenient. For example, the entire itinerary is scheduled and managed by the
tour guide with the plane ticket, so people do not have to spend the time to
plan for the travel schedules. Not only the management of schedules are the
convenient part of hiring a tour guide, but also it is convenient to look
around the places for faster time because of they can manage to rent cars.
Hiring cars is easier by booking in a group than individuals. For all these
reasons, traveling in a group is better than travelling alone. <(다른 사람들의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 의견을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In contrast, I believe that traveling with a
tour guide is not the best way to travel, because there will be no private
times. Because all the schedules are set by the tour guide, so all the places
must be visited in a given time which is very tiring and busy. A tour guide
will destroy all the relaxation of a travel, so those people who like to take a
time and want to learn the culture, is at a disadvantage disadvantageous. The main purpose of
traveling is usually for the relaxation. If people were able to get the chance to
learn the culture of the country, that would be considered as an additional
benefit from the travel but the main purpose is to relax. However, the learning
purpose is the main purpose for a tour guide. <(글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 말이 헷갈리게 들립니다.)
In conclusion, despite the convenience to
travel with a tour guide, the private time is ruined with a harsh schedule, so
I believe that travelling alone is the best way to travel.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 답/주장/의견은 introduction에서 부터 clear 해야합니다. 그리고 에세이를 글쓴이의 주장을 기반으로 서술해주셔야합니다. 또한 글쓴이가 partly agree and partly disagree를 하지 않는 이상 굳이 글쓴이의 반대 의견을 쓰실 필요는 없습니다. 글쓴이의 의견을 묻는 질문이기 때문입니다. 글쓴이는 주제를 disagree를 하시면 왜 disagree하시는지에 대해서만 쓰시면 됩니다. 반대 의견을 쓰셔도 그 내용을 반박하셔야합니다. 그 외는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |