It is better to go out for a live performance (a show or concert) than stay at home watching TV or using the computer.
To what extent do you agree or disagree
It is a common belief that visiting live
halls and feeling the atmosphere of the places is the best way are the best ways to enjoy shows. However,
there is a more persuasive argument that it is much more secure and financially
beneficial if one just sits on a chair and enjoys performances at home.
There are numerous reasons why it is more advantageous to watch shows through broadcasting system. To begin with, it would be safer than staying with strangers. In most cases, numerous people gather to participate in a show or concert and there is possibility of accident accordingly. When people get excessively excited, some of them can turn violent. In fact, 75% of rock concerts which were held in Korea in 2019 recorded casualties over 50 people caused by violence or other sorts of crimes. (바로 전 글에서 말씀드린 것과 비슷한 맥락에서 이 문장도 딱히 의미를 갖지는 못합니다.)
On top of that, we cannot overlook the price
of ticket. According to a research, the average of entrance fee for musical
shows was 150 dollars in 2019. This is not a small amount of money that everyone
can afford, and people can save up that up if they watch concerts in front of the
television. Furthermore, besides entrance charge, fans who visit concerts
usually purchase goods to encourage their stars such as T-shirts or figurines
of the celebrities. Those items cause additional consumption of money.
To sum up, I disagree with the argument that people must go to live events to make most of them because of the safety reasons and the budget issue. Thus, enjoying performances at home using electronic devices is more preferable.
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
이전 글과 마찬가지로 어휘+문법이 깔끔하기 때문에 어느정도 점수는 벌어가겠지만, sb님 실력을 고려했을 때 조금 아쉽긴 합니다. sb님 실력이면 굳이 템플릿을 쓰면서 스스로를 제한시킬 필요가 없기 때문에, 확실하게 7.0 이상이 필요하시면 꼭 여러모로 다채로운 글을 쓸 수 있도록 연습해보세요! 지금 글은 실전에서 암기에 따른 감점은 있을 겁니다. 낮은 점수대만 필요한 학생들은 템플릿을 쓰는 게 확실히 좋지만, 상위권 학생들의 경우 다릅니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)