안녕하세요, 저는 한달 전에 아이엘츠 독학시작하였습니다. 저는 현재 12월말까지 아이엘츠 전 과목 6점을
목표로 하고있습니다... ㅠㅠ 혼자서 하다보니 자신감이 많이 없어서 서론부터 많이 막히더라구요,, 휴 ㅠㅠ
Some people argue that parents have the most important role in their child’s development.
However, others say that other factors like TV or peer groups have the most significant influence.
Discuss both views and
give your own opinion.
It is
often say said that the person who affects the child to develop as a member of society member is their
parents, while others claim the factor like media and friends are certainly
vital for a child’s future. Although other influences are
likely to become more powerful, I believe that the parents play the most
decisive role in shaping largely development of their children.
By
increasing With the increase of the number of double-income families, children spend less time with
their parents nowadays. Therefore, children have has been exposed to an easier environment
such as TV and the Internet (인터넷은 고유명사입니다.) surf the internet. Children develop bond of sympathy and make
own tie of themselves. However, when their parents are at work, children also
can be effected by the negative information of through media. Children also can feel
emotionally stable with their peers by sharing their similar interests.
Although
there is positive power that can be social member with appropriate personality,
there is more likely to into risk as juvenile delinquency without the guide of
parents. (1. 여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다. 2. 여기서 엔터 따로 치지 않습니다. 윗 문장과 이어써주세요!)
However,
parents play a vital role in emotional development of their children. Children make a decision on how they would would be made a decision that how they could be grow up for their future according to home training.
Children
who have a good relationship with their parents are more likely to grow up to that know how to consider other people. Meanwhile, some children
who do not have a tie with parents could become a cause criminal in society. When we
investigate sociopath’s childhood, we
can figure out that their relationship with parents is not positive.
Furthermore, children significantly rely on their parents about their life. It
depends on financial
capacity of parents and sense of values. Therefore, there is big meaning
contributing parents to child’s
development.
In
conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against the importance of parents in a child’s
development, but I am convinced that this debate
actually highlights the prominent role parents should be playing as an anchor
in their child’s life.
총평: (7/6/6/5) 6.0
현재 실력에 비해 자신감이 너무 없으신 것 같네요! 6점은 절대 높은 점수가 아니며, 지금 실력도 충분히 나쁘지 않습니다. 12월까지 꾸준히만 하시면 6.0은 충분히 받으실 수 있어요.
지금 글의 내용이나 어휘에 비해 문법이 다소 약한 상황이므로, 글을 쓰는 것과 별개로 문법에 대한 공부는 매일매일 꾸준히 해주셔야 합니다. 물론, 7점 필요로 하는 학생들처럼 스파르타로 할 건 없지만, 그래도 꾸준히는 해주셔야 해요. 글에 대한 요령은 제가 그때그때 체크해드릴테니까 문법을 조금만 더 끌어올리는데에 집중해주세요~
+템플릿을 최대한 잘 활용해주시면 도움이 될 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)