안녕하세요 선생님, 7.0 목표로 하고 있습니다.
총 43분 소요되었고 이번에는 단어와 문법이 아쉽지만 분량조절은 어느정도 잘 한 것 같습니다.
그럼 첨삭 기다리겠습니다 ! 감사합니다. :)
Q. With an increasing population communication via the internet and text messagin, face to face communication will become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree?
A.
As the information technology has been developed, more and more people are communicating through the internet (인터넷은 고유명사이므로 극히 예외적인 경우를 제외하면 대문자 시작입니다. 그 예외에 대해 학생들이 들어갈 필요는 없고요.) and text messaging. Some assert that face to face communication will disappear, and I personally agree with the idea.
First of all, online communication makes modern people save their time as well as money. In the past, we had to should spare quite a lot of time to meet each other. To do so, it is inevitable that we have to choose where to meet and which clothes to wear, how to get there after cleaning ourselves like taking a shower. However, just with a mobile phone or PC, such money processes would be skipped. For example, if I want to talk something to my friend, I can simply connect with her only through Facebook chat with Facebook chatting app. We can directly connect each other without meeting in person outside. From this kind of quick and convenient text messaging, I can save my time and money because I do not need to find a nice café or eat some food to meet someone. (이 문단은 I로 쓰다가 We로 쓰다가 왔다갔다하는 상황이므로 별로 좋지 않습니다. 통일해주세요! 아예 1인칭이 쓰이지 않도로 해주시면 베스트입니다.)
Secondly, as the communication based on online space removes the limitation of physical space, people are getting to prefer communication on virtual world rather than the real world. No matter how two individuals live far apart from each other, it is possible for them to have great conversation via internet call such as Skype. Not only for the use of personal communications, but also the use of business communications are much more beneficial by holding online meeting than an offline meeting. To take an example, an increasing number of companies now choose to make use of a videoconferencing app, which is called Zoom, as a result of the Coronavirus pandemic. It is much safer and more convenient in that as people can gather together at their own office where are located in all over the world. It is not easy to frequently organize the face to face meeting especially for the multinational company in the past when there was no online platform to meet easily. (얘는 앞으로 보내주셨어야 합니다. 과거에는 이랬지만, 현시대에는~때문에~~로 적으면서, 현시대를 더 강조하는 것이죠.)
In conclusion, I strongly believe that face to face communication will be outdated because online communication enables people to interact with each other easily and effectively regardless of places.
총평: (7/7/6/7) 7.0
말씀해주신대로 표현상 평소보다 조금 아쉽긴 했습니다. 일단 저는 자신감도 불어넣어드릴 겸 최대한으로 채점하긴 했는데, 7/6/6/7이 조금 더 현실적인 점수가 아닐까 싶네요.
특히 본론1은 꼭 수정해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)