There are many people who insist (문법은 say가 맞는데, 그걸 떠나서 단어의 레벨을 조금 더 올리는 게 좋았습니다.) says the personal
information about violent criminals should not be available to public in order
to protect the personal life of criminals. However, I have to disagree with about
that opinion. I think the information should be publicly available.
People who think the personal information
should be protected argue argues that the information could be sensitive to that
person and it is against the human rights. To be specific, if the information about
the person is get released to public, the friends and family who are innocent can
be affected by this situation unguarded. Therefore, even if they don’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) commit
crimes, their lives can be ruined and be pointed at by the public. It is unfair to
them, so people say that the personal information should be protected.
On the other hand, violent criminals can be
dangerous to the society and (여기에 protect를 하는 주체를 적어주시면 됩니다. 행정부가 됐든 입법부가 됐든요.) should protect victims by releasing the information about
the criminals to the public. For example, there was a violent crime 10 years
ago. Since the crime was so violent, the criminal went to prison. But (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) in few
years, the criminal got out so the victim had to live in fear. By making the personal
information of criminal available to the public, it can prevent crimes to
happen again by monitoring the criminal closely.
Also, it can protect the society. To be specific, by avoiding the criminal, it
can prevent the possible crime from happening.
In conclusion, the personal information of
violent criminals should be available to the public. The basic information such
as addresses, names, and faces should be opened to the public because it can
prevent possible crimes to happen and protect the society.
22분 -> 너무 빠르게 쓰셨습니다. 조금 더 천천히 쓰셔도 되니까 수일치 같은 오류를 줄여주세요!
단어 수: 277개
목표 점수: overall 7.0 each 6.5
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
6.5이긴 한데, 되게 아슬아슬합니다. 특히 다소 간단한 수일치 등에서 오류가 꽤 보였기 때문에, 이것부터 먼저 손을 봐주셔야 해요.
수고하셨습니다 :)