As a lot of people are able to get some diseases or ills by eating fast food, some people insist that the fast-foods have to be imposed a higher tax by the government. Personally, I agree with this opinion and they should make more healthy fast-foods for people.
First of all, a chink chunk of fast-foods are likely to provoke various diseases. These contain too much fat as well as sodium. However, most people who enjoy these kinds of food already know how these threaten their health. The reason why the people were regular customers of the fast-food shops is that those foods are cheaper and faster than other healthy foods. (여기는 비록 ~를 알고 있음에도 불구하고 ~를 하는 이유는 ~이다. 의 형식으로 바꿔보시고 댓글로 검사 받으세요! Although~로 시작하시면 됩니다.) A number of people who have fast-foods want to spend less time for eating, and they may desire spending their spare time to work or take a rest. Therefore, we need more simple, cheaper, and healthier food for reducing people's fast-food consumption.
To impose more tax is one of the important things to be decreased buying unhealthy food, because one of the advantages of purchasing fast food is that it is not that expensive. Then, the government should impose less tax for the current restaurant that serves healthy food, and also the future's as well. If the fit food price will decrease, many people are willing to purchase these instead of the fast-foods that is unhealthy, such as hamburgers. Besides, the government ought to make fit and simple recipes. It may be of use for the people who have worked. They can save their money and of course, they can remain their body so healthy, but it is essential that the foods need less time to cook and less money for the ingredients. (여기 + 본론1은 다시 쓰셔야 합니다. 총평에서 말씀드릴게요.)
To summarise, the fast-food must be imposed higher tax for reducing consumptions, and also the government should apply less tax for the healthy food restaurant. Then, simple and healthy recipes need to spread across the country by the government.
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총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
이 글은 다시 쓰셔야 합니다. 논제가 묻고 있는 것은 '~에 동의하는지의 여부입니다.' 분명히 서론에서 나는 동의한다~' 의 뉘앙스로 적어주셨기 때문에, 두 본론에는 내가 '인스턴트에 대한 세금 인상' 에 동의하는 이유만 적어주시면 돼요. 그러나 본론1은 (이미 전제가 되어있는 사항인)'인스턴트가 몸에 해로운 이유' 를 언급하면서 문단 하나를 낭비하고 있고, 본론2의 경우도 위에서 분명히 세금 인상에 동의한다고 하셨으면서 전혀 엉뚱한 새로운 레시피 만드는 것의 얘기를 하고 계십니다. 현 논제는 문제-해결 유형이 아님에 주의해주셔야 해요. (서론에서 '나는 부분적으로 동의하지만, 이 외에도 정부의 새로운 레시피 개발이 필요하다.' 라고 한 다음에 본론1에 세금 인상 동의의 근거, 본론2에 새로운 레시피 개발을 적어도 되긴 합니다. 별로 추천드리는 방안은 아니지만요.)
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수고하셨습니다 :)