It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. To what extect do you argree of disagree with this opinion?
It is a common belief that it is more useful for young people to live in a city to urbanization than in a rural area. However, I firmly believe that the youth need to be in the countryside to grow up safely and learn a sense of community from their neigborhood.
To begin with, the rural area is able to be a safer place for children to grow up develop than the city. This is because there are few air pollution than urban area, it is posssible that young people conduct many activities in the outside. Accoding to one study on the environmental difference between countryside and city in Korea, for example, the countryside is less impacted by cars In Korea, For example, the country impacts on less cars, resulting in fewer fine dust and carbon dioxide emission. Therefore, children are likely to grow up more healthier and safer healthy and safety than young people in the city.
On top of that, children who grow up in the rural area can learn a sense of commuity from their neighborhood. Most people are friendly with neighbors and share many things about thier daily lives. For instance, looking at the apprence of the small city in Korea, when some people have a are a big event on their family or need help in agriculture, they requrie neighbors to give them help. It shows that it show for young people how to make a apprence on the sense of community. In the part of situation, children are able to improve their sociality.
Overall, it is clear that growing up in the rural area can be more safety and develop many their sense for children such as community and socialitiy than city. For these reason, children should live in the small city.
총 글자수 : 279 , 시간: 1시간 : 점수: 6.0
시간을 줄여야하는데..아이디어 정리하고 하고싶은말들이 너무 많다보니ㅠㅠ
시간 조절이 잘안되요.........어떻게 해야될지...큰 걱정입니다ㅠㅠ
시간 조절 할 수 있도록...더 노력해보겠습니다.
첨삭 부탁드립니다:) 감사합니다!
총평: (7/6/5/6) 6.0
시간이 너무 오버되었기 때문에 사실상 5점대로 보셔야 합니다. 시간이 오래 걸리는 이유는 여러 가지가 있겠지만, 일단 패러프레이징 욕심을 꽤 내시는 것으로 보이는데, 그럴 필요 전혀 없어요.
어차피 패러프레이징은 7점 이상, 아무리 낮아도 6.5점 이상에서나 중요합니다. 6.0 이하의 점수대에서는 사실 중요하지 않기 때문에 절대 다양한 표현에 욕심내지 마시고, 차라리 철자 오류를 줄이는 것에 더 집중해주세요!
하고싶은 말도 그냥 욕심 버리시고 최소한으로만 끊어가주시면 돼요. 어차피 Allie님께서는 시간만 잘 줄이시면 6.0은 받습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)