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An increasing
concern for many people around the world is health problems. There are those who say that the
number of sports centres should be increased in order to improve public health,
while others believe that this is not suitable for being healthier, and people
need to find other ways that to affect the public positively. This essay will outline
both views in favour of my opinion.
Generally
speaking, there are several reasons why people think that increasing the number
of sports centres is the best method. Perhaps the strongest method reason for this is
that people would be easier to access those facilities. If gyms are not close
to where people live people’s house, they are not likely to go there to improve their health. Research
from the Ministry of Health and Welfare in Korea shows that when the number of
gym increase, obesity rates decrease, relatively. (지금과 같은 전개는 정말 1순위로 피해주셔야 합니다. 일단 이 문단의 역할은 '시민의 건강을 증진시키기 위해 체육 시설을 늘려야 하는 이유' 에 대해 설명하는 것이죠. 따옴표 안의 부분을 A 로 치환하면, 이 문단에서는 A가 성립하는 이유를 중점으로 전개해주셔야 합니다. 그러나 빨간색 부분은 '연구에 따르면 A라고 했다' 라고만 적었고, 그 설명은 전혀 이루어지지 않았죠. 연구 결과가 있었다는 사실만으로는 절대 정당화되지 않으므로 주의해주셔야 합니다. 이러한 전개는 점수가 폭락하는데에 있어서 가장 빠른 지름길 중 하나에요.) Thus, there should be more
sports facilities.
However, it must
be said that there are several arguments to the contrary. Many people have
consistently stated that effects of building more sports centres is not enough,
so the government should play a key role to tackle this issue. First of all,
the government should subsidize toward those who go to gyms. The result of a subsidy
is that people can be affordable for a monthly payment of sports centres, which
in turn leads to increases of the number of attendances at those facilities. Secondly,
the government should make a campaign, so they should to let people know the
importance of exercise. If the government pay attention, people can stay healthy. (반대쪽 입장인 체육 시설을 늘리는 것도 pay attention 에 해당되므로, 이러한 문장은 적절하지 않습니다.)
In conclusion,
public health is an issue which will continue to demand people’s attention for
the foreseeable future. However, I feel that the best way to solve this issue
is by subsidizing and making a campaign. If the government ignore this issue,
the future generation will be in danger.
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