Nowadays, society (여행은 개인이 하는 것인데, 사회가 이에 대해 논해야 한다고 하는 것은 어색합니다. 외운 문장에 끼워맞춘 것으로 간주될 수도 있으므로, 다른 표현으로 바꿔주세요.) should discuss the beneficial and detrimental aspects of people visiting places where the conditions are difficult countries because doing this will lead to benefits and disadvantages at the same time. For this reason, the issue of traveling difficult conditions' countries with difficult conditions should be carefully considered.
First of all, the issue of visiting difficult environment's countries would be advantageous advantages because this can lead to positive outcomes. This is because visiting difficult conditions' countries it would help people have various experiences. For example, experts from form western countries like the United States emphasize the importance of visiting difficult conditions' countries allow people to learn about the countries’ cultures even the countries’ languages. As a result, traveling where conditions are difficult countries has effects on variety. (countries with difficult conditions 에 초점을 맞춰주셔야 하는데, 너무 countries 에만 초점이 맞춰져있습니다.)
On the other hand, the problem of traveling difficult conditions' countries is causing concern among many people due to risks of crime. According to a 2018 report form Seoul University in Korea, crime rate of places where conditions are difficult countries significantly increased from 2000 to 2007. In my case, when I visited difficult conditions' countries (너무 자주 쓰이는 표현이므로 중간중간 대체해주세요.), I was exposed to crime and I even even I had to come back to my accommodation earlier than when I visited places where conditions are desirable.
All in all, the topic of traveling places where conditions are difficult countries can have valuable experiences benefits, but it can also lead risks disadvantages. Based on this, it is clear that the pros and cons aspects of visiting places where conditions are difficult countries should not be ignored by society any longer. ('제언' 은 논제에서 요구하는 사항이 아닙니다. 이를 대신해서 장단점에 대한 요약을 해주세요.)
총평: (5/5/5/5) 5.0
일단 문법 쪽이 아직 탄탄하게 잡힌 상태는 아니므로 라이팅 공부와 더불어 꾸준히 문법에 관련된 보강도 해주셔야 합니다. 또한 다양한 표현이 쓰인다고 볼 수도 없고요. 그리고 의미없는 말을 넣어서 분량을 채우려는 경향도 없지는 않았습니다. 대표적으로 본론 첫 번째 문단의 첫 문장에서 제가 지운 부분을 들 수가 있는데, 장점과 긍정적인 결과는 거의 비슷한 맥락에서 취급이 되므로, 굳이 반복해서 쓰는 것은 의미가 없겠죠. ~'장점이 있기 때문에 장점이다.' 라고 하는 것과 큰 차이가 없습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)