이게 제목이고 저는 이렇게 적었습니다.
It is a common belief that regular subjects like mathematics and languages are quite influential for learners when studying in school. However, I firmly believe that students had better to acquire vocational knowledge as it is more useful and attractive in the future. (이렇게 작성하면 논제의 반밖에 반영되지 못합니다. 모든 학생들이 vocational knowledge 를 얻어야하는 게 아니라, '~를 선택한 학생들에 한해서' 라고 작성해주셔야해요. 밑의 본론들도 이에 따라 큰 틀에서 수정이 필요합니다.)
To begin with, pursuing vocational careers such as baking is more practical to succeed and adapt in the contemporary society rapidly. This educational curriculum enables students to look for helpful occupations that what they are able to make use of earning much money by the age of over 70. To support this idea, the Australian government has funded for vocational education by not only constructing TAFE schools in each state but providing a variety of abilities like carpeting in order for teenagers to find better professions as early as possible. Similarly, Korea has built up Meister schools, which institutions emphasise on delving into specialised skills such as computer skills and bio technology.
On top of that, compared to regular school systems, this (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상을 대명사로 작성해서는 안 됩니다.) can allow learners to take part in vocational programmes actively as various hands-on activities including apprenticeship courses makes them gain interest (기존 표현은 사람 자체를 흥미롭게 만든다의 의미가 됩니다. 예를 들면 개그맨과 같이요.) interesting. As a good example of this, primary school students in Korea including me tend to engage in practical courses incorporating cooking and knitting as they believe time flew quickly unlike History and English as well as learn sustainable knowledge.
To sum up, more energetic participation tendency and its practical features make vocational careers become better. For these reasons, a lot of students should learn vocational knowledge as soon as possible.
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
지금 아예 싹 묶어서 오프토픽은 아니라 그나마 다행이지만, 그래도 일정 부분은 논제와 들어맞지 않기 때문에 수정해주셔야합니다. 모든 학생들에게 직업 관련 교육을 제시하는 것이 아니라, 이미 특정 직업으로 진로를 정한 학생들로 한정지을 수 있게 글을 큰 틀에서 수정해주세요! (세부적인 사항은 다 맞는 말이기에 그대로 두셔도 됩니다. 큰 틀만 건드리시면 돼요.) 수고하셨습니다 :ㅖ (254 words, 42 minutes)
항상 감사합니다. 비밀번호는 1234입니다.