Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
It has been an issue of debate whether music serves an important role in bringing people together from different cultures and ages. Some people contend music barely affects people in terms of collaboration. However, others argue that music is a good way to bring people together regardless of cultures and ages. I also firmly believe music serves a crucial role in connecting people with each other no matter what backgrounds such as cultures and ages they have.
First of all, people can communicate by using music even when they don't (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) know each other's culture. Music arouses common feelings when they listen to the same songs (음악에 대한 직접적인 동의어는 없지만, 대신 문맥에 따라 이런 식으로의 대체도 가능합니다.) music. For example, the song 'Imagine' by John Lennon was played at the last stage of the olympics Olympic Games (이 자체가 하나의 고유명사이므로 그대로 외워주세요~) to remind the audience of peace. The slow Slow rhythm and soothing tone that this song had is enough to think about peace.
In addition, music can be the bridge to connect between the yougn generation and the (다른데에도 싹 다 붙여주시면 됩니다.) old generation. Young generation likes to listen to hip-hop whose lyrics include the spirit of resistance. On the other hand, old generation likes trot (한국에 한정되는 사항이므로 그걸 밝혀주시는 게 좋습니다.) which is similar to counrty style music and its lyrics include the regrets of life. By listening the lyrics of hip-hop and trot, young generation and old generation can understand each other.
To sum up, mucis plays an important role in bringing people together since is it has the power to arouse the same feeling among people and it can connect young generation and old generation through the lyrics of music each generaion likes.
매번 첨삭 감사드립니다.
이번 에세이까지는 첫번째 첨삭을 받기 전에 올린 거라 피드백 해주신 것이 잘 반영되지 않았을 것 같은데,
다음에는 첨삭 잘 반영해서 작성하려고 합니다:)
목표는 에세이 +6.5입니다만 ... ㅎㅎ
그때까지 잘 부탁드립니다! :)
총평: (6/7/5/6) 6.0
6.5는 그렇게 높은 점수가 아니며, 예전 글들 중에는 충분히 6.5가 가능한 글도 있었습니다. 고로 요령만 잘 익혀주시고, 지금처럼 철자 문제가 나지 않으며 단어의 단조로움 쪽만 조금 더 해결되면 충분히 6.5를 받으실 겁니다.
지금 서론에 너무 힘을 싣느라 정작 가장 중요한 본론이 부족한 상황입니다. 서론은 세 문단 중 가장 덜 중요하므로 (본론>>>>결론>서론 순으로 중요합니다.) 서론에서 너무 시간/분량 낭비하지 마세요~
또한 어휘 관련해서는 글 쓰는 것과 별개로 꼭 꾸준히 학습해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)