아래 내용 첨삭 부탁드립니다.
문제
Some people claim that media has a negative influence on contemporary society. They think that there is very little tolerance for new ideas because of its impact. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
답변
Recently, a the function of media has become a hotly-debated issue. Some people assert that media affects modern communities negatively, while others argue otherwise. (물론 템플릿은 이렇게 되어있지만, 여기의 경우 otherwise 로 퉁치는 게 아니라 더 구체적으로 이 otherwise 가 뭘 의미하는지를 밝힐 수 있어야 합니다. 즉, '새로운 의견에 대해 열려있다~' 쪽을 정확히 서술하는 것이죠. 템플릿을 쓰는 게 무조건 나쁜 건 아니지만, 그래도 이런 사항들은 가급적이면 개선해주세요!) And (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) I wholeheartedly agree with the latter stand. In the following essay, the evidence supporting this contention will be discussed alongside relevant examples.
To begin with, media helps us encounter various thoughts easily. When there is was no development of media, people did not don’t know how many beliefs existed in the world. however However, now we can learn diverse thinking at home easily through the media. For instance, when we are watching foreign dramas, we can learn about their life styles, trends, and histories. This allows people to acquire knowledge about diverse countries. in In addition, these acquirements motivate individuals to have new ideas. (밑 문단에 들어가야 하는 사항입니다.) Therefore media has influence on modern communities positively.
On top of this, intense competition of media industry makes media to produce new ideas. The media industry develops continually thanks to the popularity of media. For this reason, every media company has to compete with each other. As a result, people can acquire more various ideas. Take the examples of sorts of media, media just indicate few things like television, Newspaper in the past. Nevertheless, sorts of media is become variety. Especially personal social networks (media 에 대한 직접적인 동의어가 많은 건 아니지만, 이런 식의 대체도 가능합니다.) media like Instagram, Youtube help people make various contents and have views. Therefore media has led people’s idea to tolerance to accept various new thoughts.
To sum up, media has an influence on modern society positively. If a the function of media is reduced, there is no chance to experience other thinking and acquire variety information. For these reasons, I believe media allow people to have new ideas.
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
일단 지금 기존 글은 중앙 정렬 되어있는데, 그렇게 하지 않는 게 맞으니까 주의해주세요! 제가 정렬한 것처럼 수정해주시면 됩니다.
media 라는 단어가 너무 자주 반복되고 있습니다. 직접적인 동의어가 많지는 않지만, 그래도 때에 따라 대명사 사용, 생략, 동의어가 아닌 다른 표현 등을 이용해서 이러한 반복을 대체해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)