▶ Your Answer :Onion side of me]
[Onion side of me]
[Onion side of me]
'Onion girl'; mysteriously crafted ; lots of layers, yet, in the last there is nothing in it.
The definition of the onion to myself is quite well cleared.
Whenever I see fruits or vegetable kinds, pretending full in inside but turns out nothing in inside I always reflect myself into them and sometimes find a comfort within them.
Even to the people, who have spent with me over time, picture me; the girl in velvet thinking so much serious and mysterious secret inside me to pull out.
However, truth be told nothing too much of sensational to be revealed.
When I was young, I was serious to keep minors, trying to conceal everything true to my face as a defensive mechanism.
As if had been promised, everyone withdrawed before I asked them to not
cross the line as frightening them with a calm but mad faces or spit the harsh words not intentionally.
The difference of my attitude, the line between the present and the past, is whether it is aggressive or not, yet, nothing has changed.
Even nowadays, my onion side appeared, in different way.
The way I learnt from the past to balance my social life is to laugh and smile all the time, pretending
I am having a firm position in eveywhere I'd be from the strangers perspective.
However, from more than come and go relationship, it could be or not.
I am also managing my blog which was impossible in the past.
I did manage 'social network' in the past but in transitory.
I put up my family and my picture in CYWORLD which is similar to the FACEBOOK to keep them safe in possible situation: computer break down.
However, as they show my real life pattern ; just woke up faces, blinked eyes, winking or waving hands or sometimes pictures of my feet I edited it into not opened in public without a permission.
Instead, I showed plenty of visitors loving and adorable pictures.
To be honest, I was not an initial nor original onion girl.
It has become started when I was entering into fourth grade of elementary.
I had a dream of someone, who I even did not feel interesting to know, appeared as my possible future groom.
Story was even ridiculous to the normal brains.
I was on the wedding site, wearing pure white beaded wedding dress, standing alone as if in the court, being judged by the judges.
There were crowds in circle staring at me.
All of them were mans, which is ridiculous to say, were mans wanted to get merry me.
In my dream, I was frightened as I knew what was coming.
The rest of the people except mans were showing videos, twenty four seven live video show of my life!.
I couldn't even hardly look up the screen as there were also the most shameful moment and the
most dirty and the worst moment of my life; physiological happenings in bathroom and the time I
was vomiting even the time I didn't wash for seven days, actually I did so in the past, and the moment I went out of my mind,, throwing an object violently.
It seemed to me people didn't want me to get married but be an old maid.
As the scene kept playing on live like a gray pictures moving in a sequence, the boys were leaving and never looked at me at once.
Now three boys, just as I thought two were leaving but contrast to my expectation the one didn't left the site.
He accepted every part of me, which even I, could and can not live with.
He even turned into his face on me.
I was really impressed and burst into tears.
I could not help my feelings craving for his comfortable and reliable back.
What in the world he came in earth to me.
There will be no such others who could accept literally everything in person's life like he did.
He was my class mate and I actually even didn't have a slight conversation like "Hi" and "what happened?".
Those feelings, coming from him in dream was coming down to earth.
Compared to others who might had built the ideas of their loving person gradually through process by process, I was getting into finish line of those by the one night dream.
Since then, I could not leave a room for myself to think about my ideal lovers or love lines or organize the feelings and modulate my image to be looked appealing to man.
Every love feelings to him was genuine, even thinking of now.
When he caught in trouble; when the other boy beated him I stepped forward and beated the other,
I remember the other boy cried as I beated him too much but was not dragged to the principle office as I did not leave him an injury but a hurtful feelings.
But at the end, I knew ,unlike with dream, I was not in match for him.
He was handsome and promising student and most of all, popular to the boys and girls.
However, at the time I was entering into fourth grade I was not popular like I had been in first or second grade.
Those, who saw the adorable or innocent sides of me, started to think I was all faking and picked with my high tone voice.
I knew I would be turned down if I said 'I love you' and most of all I felt doubt to think whether I really deserve to be in serious relationship with him as it happened in unrealistic world.
The point is, I did not know his everything but his appearance.
As I moved into other place, my heart which was running into him hold still.
However, since the influential dream, I had become interested in boys than the past very illogically.
It was too challenging to get in balance with ideal boy as a friend whose gender is opposite not as a boyfriend.
Eventually this failled, and I managed to shut down the flood by changing my love into false hatred mode, not in so much of prototype example for girls to be loved by boys.
The target was usually the handsome boy.
It could be seen normal to others but I knew this is not normal as everything had been started from the overnight dream!.
If dream were not happened I would have been better off to have at least rational or understanding lovable feelings to the other gender.
Since the dream shooked me I had been trying to hide my empty feelings which was real in five or six hours in my dream but also could not be applied in real world.
As I had a sparkling moment of 'the love' by a one stay dream I could not allow myself to face to face especially on love as it was eventually useless, not much as true to dream.
The second layers of onion side was happened by inferiority.
Before I was middle school first grade in last semester, I was true to myself and never compared others with me.
I saw the process, not the result.
In that way, I could develop myself gradually untill I met one of my used to be best friends.
Before I was getting into know myself, she laid out the results of my personality and tendency or even the utilization of the words from her point of view.
She was analyzing everything of me.
I could not stick to the feelings about me as vessel of me from my perspective was insiginificant to hers.
Additonally, I was too much fragile and delicate to accept or defend against her ideas. It was the
first time I met her kind of people; seeing things thorougly and threwing words too directly to be accommodated.
It was really hard to hook up with her but I could not ran away as if nothing had happened between us, Which was we had shared most of our lives to each other.
Regardless of that, except me, even she admits she left a bad influence on me which is the fact I can spread those to others but not in public,
Since I met her, part of my 'stable alike life' collapsed into numerous pieces.
Before then, I had been really assertive of my life direction or could be said I had been giving it all up which had made me 'nothing to loose', the most comfortable state of mind..
I knew I was not capable not even measured up to the normal or an average standard.
and had irrational strong faith that I could get through those as I grew up gradually.
Unlike with me, she wanted to change everything in fast pace.
As soon as she discovered mistakes or could be inappropriate behavior or thoughts from her dictionary She pointed them out mostly every minute.
Gradually, as I have come to next semesterm I have become what is called blood B girl type; aggressive, too direct, sometimes ha,sh to someone.
I was resembling one of her recognizable negative personality.
Whenever boys took a joke at me or sometimes laughed at me as part of their entertainment or means to attract me at some point I mostly ignored them or said "Do you have nothing but to make
fun of me?".
I also remembered, the girl who tried to look deep inside me, left with a disappointment not to figure me out and rage to be overly criticized.
So did the other boy in school.
When I was randomly picked as a vice president and the boy the class president, when we were cleaning the class room the boy said "you have such a beautiful eyes" and I ignored him as I didn't know how to react it nor didn't want him to get in depth of me.
I did not want people to look through me like one of my best friend did.
In additon, in real I have done a huge mistakes in my life those even could not be written in essay even now I really didt not want to see others except my family directly.
So, myself, looking strong in part, but mostly in vain and nothing to show of just like an onion, which has lots of layers of layers but no rich liquid nor fruits when it is cut out.
As I was in girl high school I could not mange to treat boys as I could not pretend to be peaceful when it was not.
However, as I met variety of personality in colleage, including boys of my age, I can now build my 'real' feelings to the boys not in false situation.
At the same time I am learning to be more forgiving and having a faith in people that they can be more open minded.
To me, going to colleage is not merely to accumulate plentiful knowledge it is about a time to reborn, getting out of the onion but to be 'real rich fruits'; fruits look almost same when they are turned upside down. .
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