잘 읽었어요 내용도 많고 구성도 좋은거 같아요 ^^ 다만..전에도 말씀 드렸듯 Topic setence와 Thesis statement연습 쫌만 더하심 정말 좋은 점수 받으시겠어요^^ 이것도 좋은 점수 받을거 같긴 하지만..^^ 예를 들면....자꾸 But,.... 이렇게 시작되는 문장이 보이는데 but으로 시작되는 문장은 없애시도록 하세요...회화에서는 뭐 괜찮지만... 밑의 문장에서 꼭 but을 넣을라면 앞에 문장이랑 연결해서 , but 으로 넣으셔야 할듯. 그리고 Thesis statement. 님의 thesis statement는 But by hiring employees for their entire lives, the company might have difficulties in making it. Demotivation which is the fatal obstacle for the efficiency of the company and feudalism supported by seniority, are the side-effects caused by the life-time employment system.는 요건데요.. Thesis statement네 may,can,might등이 들어가면 주장의 정도가 약해져요..될수있으시면 꼭 필요한경우가 아님 쓰시 마시는게 좋을듯 제가 쓴다면 Hiring employees for their entire lives give some difficulties to the company to make the best profit because it causes several side-effects, such as demotivation and feudalism. Topic sentence는 한 문단 젤 앞에 와야 하고 자신의 주장이 나와야 합니다. First, motivation is the basic but indispensable element to make a good profit in the free-enterprise economy.--> 님의 Topic sentence 는 있는 단순 사실 일뿐 님의 주장이 아니겠죠? First, the employees who are guaranteed their job for their life regardless of their achievements, are likely to be demotivated, non-competitive because they do not make an effort to make a something better than now at the risk of failure. Motivation is the basic but indispensable element to make a good profit in the free-enterprise economy.If there is no motivation which requires employees to consider themselves as company itself, they will not do their best for the company. If the company want to succeed in what they do, the first thing they must keep is strong motivation for the purpose. 순서만 바꿔도 더 나아져요. Topic sentence뒤에 추상적인 얘기보다는..실제 예를 들면 더 좋을거 같구요.. 2번째 문단 Topic senence는 좋네요 결론부분도 좋고요 허접스럽지만 아는대로 써봤구여^^ 좋은 점수 받으시길! 홧팅! ================================ ┼ ▨ 평생직장에 동의하는가?(평가좀 부탁함니다.^^) - 은지니 ┼ │ 34. Business should hire employees for their entire lives. Agree or disagree? │ │ │ │ The most important purpose of business is to make a good profit and to achieve this goal the company needs strong competition. But by hiring employees for their entire lives, the company might have difficulties in making it. Demotivation which is the fatal obstacle for the efficiency of the company and feudalism supported by seniority, are the side-effects caused by the life-time employment system. │ │ │ │ First, motivation is the basic but indispensable element to make a good profit in the free-enterprise economy. But the employees who are guaranteed their job for their life regardless of their achievements, are likely to be demotivated, non-competitive because they do not make an effort to make a something better than now at the risk of failure. If there is no motivation which requires employees to consider themselves as company itself, they will not do their best for the company. If the company want to succeed in what they do, the first thing they must keep is strong motivation for the purpose. │ │ │ │ Second, the life-time employment system cause the side-effect such as feudalism which counteracts for the profit of the company. In the company hiring employees for their entire lives, the employee who entered a company earlier than other workers will be the senior for the time he works for the company without regard to his achievements. At the same time, that means other workers have no chance to get promoted faster than the senior even though they have attributed to the company’s profit much more than senior. To achieve the goal of the company, that’s not important who is senior but who has competence. Most of company which has the life-time employment system supporting feudalism can’t be free from this kind of problem. │ │ │ │ In conclusion, I disagree for business to hire employees for their entire life because the the life-time employment system makes employees to work without any dream of making better results than present and the the life-time employment system limits the equal opportunity for workers to get better position according to their ability. │ │ │ 어렵네요..... │ 내용 구성이 어려웠던 주제였네요.... │ │ 저번에 토플잘치자 님으로 부터 크리틱 받고 이번에는 정말 잘써볼려고 했는데 │ 시간은 시간대로 많이 잡아먹고 구성도 미약하고.... │ 주제가 달라지니까....힘드네요.....ㅜ.ㅡ │ │ 고수님들 지나가다 평가해 주시면 정말 감사하겠습니다... │ │ 그럼 평안하세요.... │ ┼ ┼