▶ Your Answer : As a period of a mandatory school, children are pure and usually don't know about many thing. So it is really important to select subjects that they will study. Personally I strongly think that children should have art and music as mandatory school subject along with other subjects. In the following paragraphs, I will explain the detailed and logical reasons for my opinion. To begin with, they can relieve stress through artistic subjects. In fact, if their stress level is low, they can even concentrate more on other academic subjects. However, without learning art and music they can't perform much better. According to the research conducted by the US Children Center concentration level and stress level is highly related. Children who get high stress level showed very low concentration level. And also they conducted study about relationship between artistic classes and stress level. The result is they are highly related. If it were not for artistic classes students couldn't concentrate on their study. Thus it is safe to say that children should have artistic classes. In addition to this, children can grow their aritistic talent. The reason is that children absorb knoweldge very well so they can easily learn artistic talent. Moreover they have to learn many things because they don't know about what subject they are interested in and do well. My friend Anna is the best example for this. When she was a mandatory school student, ary class had been twice a week. She has found her artistic talent while she attended in art class. Her teacher recommend to her parents that to grow her as a artist, and now she worked as a designer. If it were not for art class, she couldn't work as a designer. So, children should have learn art and music subject when they are a mandatory students. For these reasons, I strongly agree that children should have art and music as mandatory school subject along with academic subjects.
spelling오류 없어야 합니다. proof reading필수라는 것 잊지 마세요. 주장 자체는 좋은데 첫번째 main paragraph의 경우에 research결과는 조금 더 concise하게 주장 설명이 조금 더 길고 자세하게 나왔으면 훨씬 설득력있게 다가왔을 것 같아요. 전체적으로 어휘가 조금 아쉬운 편입니다..조금 더 범주를 다양하게 하는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 마지막 conclusion에서 이렇게만 쓰면 주장 설명이 잘 안 됩니다. summary꼭 해야합니다. (paraphrase해서) |