▶ Your Answer : Almost all parents want their children to be grown as a successful people. They use different ways to achieve this goal. Some devote a lot of time to doing schoolwork with them. However, I think spend a tone of time playing games or sports with their children is much better. In the following paragraph, I will explain the detailed and logical reasons for my opinion.
To begin with, children can get rid of their stress. This is because they can feel happiness when they are playing with their parents. Plus, they can feel comfort and remove anxiety when they spend time to play activity with their parents. It is very important to management their stress because it is relate to their concentrate level. According to the research conducted by the US Children Center, children who played with their parents get five time better score in concentrate level when they studied. If it were not for playing they couldn't get such a high score. However, children who didn't play get very low score although their parents were help them to study. This example clearly shows that parents should spend their time playing with their children.
In addition to this, it is very beneficial for children to play sports with their parents. This is largely due to the fact that they can grow up healthy. There are not present any parents who want their children get illness. My friend Anna is the best example for this. When she was young, she was very weak and got cold almost all of the year. At first, her parent made her just stayed home and studied with her mother because they think her illness is getting worse if she active a lot. However, after she was joined her father's hiking club once a week she is much healthier than before. And now she is very healthy than any other person. If it were not for hiking with her father, she couldn't recover her illness. Thus it is safe to say that parents should spend a lot of time playing sports with their children.
For these reasons mentioned above, such as they can relieve stress effectively and grow up healthy I strongly think that spend a lot of time playing with them is really much better than doing schoolwork with them.
우선 두번째 main paragraph의 경우에 예시가 나오기 전에 주장 설명 조금 더 자세하게 파고 들어갔으면 훨씬 설득력있게 다가왔을 것 같아요. conclusion에서 reasons mentioned above이건 아예 쓰지 않고 바로주장 설명으로 이어지도록 적는 것이 더 좋습니다. 문장들을 보면 약간씩 어색해보이는 구간들이 조금씩 있는 편입니다. 영작 연습과 함께 다른 이들의 글 읽어보는 것도 좋습니다. and로 문장 시작하는 것은 지양하는 게 좋습니다. |