▶ Your Answer :
People have different ideas and thoughts regarding whether strict rules makes their children successful. Certainly, some people if asked would agree that hard law is not necessary for their children life. As far as I am concerned, I firmly believe that successful lives come from their parent’s discipline. I will present two reasons to support my idea throughout the essay. Firstly, it is important to consider that social obedience is key of successful lives. Certainly, it is difficult to follow social value. However in most case, people who follows law become a great person. To illustrate that idea, let’s consider following example. For instance, susan’s parent didn’t notice susan’s fault when she lied. she was confronted with many hardships like social-relationship, Because she doesn’t know what is rule of society. Moreover, she lied so many times to coworker. Consequently, she was fired by the company. In this respect, people can’t live normal lives without social rule. Second of all, rule will be ignorant without harsh rule. It would be fair to say that law usually keep by many people. On the other hand, bad people who doesn’t care about rule make society unhappy. Take a case of mike, a friend of mine whom I have known for over 10 years. he doesn’t follow the appointment of society. Additionally, he doesn’t have any guilty when he had a mistake. Hence, he was able to steal cars. So he was punished. In this regard, appoinment will be ignorant. All in all, everyone may hold a different view on the issue. Yet I absolutely support the perspective that parents make a hard appointment for their children’s happy.
우선 문장 부호 작아보여도 잊지 않고 적으면 좋을 것 같아요. conclusion에서 주장 설명 조금 더 자세하게 나와야 합니다. (paraphrase해서 써야 합니다) 주장 자체는 좋습니다. 그런데 두번째 paragraph의 경우에 주장 설명이 거의 나오지 않고 예시도 조금 나오다가 겉만 훑고 지나간 것 같아 조금 아쉽습니다) because로 문장 시작하지 않도록 해주세요. because of, since, due to 쓰는 것이 좋습니다. (물론 form바꿔서) |