▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, educating children plays a
significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they play
or work. (Unmatched) Some people think that educating children is harder today than it was
in the past because of using their cellphone or online game, (Sounds awkward, Better to mention " because of/due to main distracting factors in classroom such as ...!") while others do
not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were
asked to choose one, I would say that I disagree that it is hard to teach
children compared to the past because of spending so much time on cellphone,
online games, and social networking web site. There are reasons as follows.
To begin with, when children spend so
much time on many technologies such as the cell phone and the online game,
teachers are it is much easier for teachers to teach children and children can improve people’s
academic performance compared to the past. (Connect with "teach children because~", not and ..~~) the machines are equipped with many
functions that help children concentrate on their subjects. When such functions
are well adequately used, it is likely to bring a better result in school. For example, my
youngest brother was a math teacher in an elementary school. He had some problems
to teach children. His school has a rigid policy which bans cellphone use in classroom His school policy was that the children should not use the
smartphone in school. However, his students could not focus on the class because they
already got used to the smartphone every day. So, they used to were distracted
easily when they could not use the smartphone for a long time. (Why's that?) However,
children have changed little by little after that he let to use the smartphone in
class. They could enjoy the math classes because they could use the smartphone
if they find some vocabulary or problem that they didn’t know. (What happened to them?) Naturally, his
students started to raise average math grades in school. Also, he could teach
the math class easily compared to the past. (Explain when/how students were permitted to use smartphone in classroom) Without letting to use the
smartphone, he would still have been unsolved the problems.
All things considered, I strongly believe that
spending so much time on smartphone, online game is not related to educating
the children for this reason I mentioned above.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2
| 1 | 2 | Score | Limited 1-16 |
- introduction의 template의 두 문장은 자연스럽게 매치되지 않으므로 template을 제외한 새로운 문장으로 다시 바꿔주시는 것이 좋습니다.
- topic sentence는 and~ and로 이어가기보다 제시된 주장에서 이유를 언급해주시는 것이 좋습니다. - 예시에서 갑작스럽게 cell phone이 permitted되는데, 과정이 드러나 있지 않습니다.
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