▶ Your Answer :
It is controversial over whether people have to experience several jobs before seeking their major jobs. Some people insist that a lot of experiences prevent people from finding a suitable job employee at adaptable time. However, In my opinion, Iit is advantageous to for people to face with more and more short-term careers before finding their long-term job. There are two reasons : a lot of experiences are helpful for adapting long-term jobs' environment and people can not know what kind of jobs fit in themselves through the experiences. To begin with, people can adjust their new surroundings of their real job when because they have had various experiences through short-term job. They can learn about practical skills and interpersonal skills in real company. Directly accessing the relationships relations in company and feeling its atmosphere are crucial in adaptation. It is better than just researching the first long-term jobs at the desk. Interestingly, a lot of renowned socialists in South Korea published an article in 'Korea Post' which claims that people who had lots of experiences are good at adapting to their new occupations. The article argues that the 76 percent of 200 Korea leading recruiters prefer people who experienced many materials. 개인이 직장에 적응하는 데 도움을 받는다는 점이 요지인데 갑자기 고용주 입장의 이야기를 넣는 것은 일관성을 해칠 수 있어요. In the long run, their experiences are useful for dealing with their various projects. This is due to the fact that they not only learned about proper solutions in unexpected situations but also had administering exigency skills. '어디에서' 이런 것들을 배우는지에 대한 언급이 전체적으로 다 빠져 있어요. 중요한 것은 진짜 직장을 정하기 전에 여러 직업을 경험해볼 수 있다는 내용이므로, '짧게 여러 가지 경험을 함으로써' 실제 직장에 도움이 되는 것들을 다양하게 배울 수 있다는 점에 초점을 두고 풀어주세요. In addition, people can know what kind of careers suit on themselves. As the proverb goes, 'The mistake is mom of success'. By trying many kinds of jobs for a long time, people can find the most suitable clothes for them. Generally speaking, young people are usually lost when they try to seek seeking their jobs. This is because, they do not know the priority of job hunting criteria and they are unfamiliar with real social environment. Therefore they need to experience as much as possible. There is a story related to this point. During my university years, I thought about my future a lot. But I did not have any virtual experience related to my dream. When I entered the media corporation, I had a lot of difficulties because that kind of jobs such as writing, broadcasting and taking a picture were are not suitable for to me. I made plenty of mistakes because I was not interested in media industry. At that time, I regretted my shortage of experiences. As a result, I gave up that job and challenged new jobs again. If I had assorted experiences, I would not have needed to waste my precious time. 경험을 해보지 않은 분야에서 어려움을 느꼈다는 사례보다는 여러 가지를 경험하면서 실제 나에게 맞는 직업을 찾는 데 도움이 됐다는 사례를 제시하는 것이 더 적절해요. To sum up, trying a lot of different jobs is are essential to job hunters because of for these two reasons: better adapting to job environment and finding true aptitude. their interests. In this regard, iIt is beneficial for people to get short-term jobs before getting a long-term job.
Comment : 적응력과 적성 측면에서 입장을 뒷받침하는 주장을 잘 생각해주신 것 같아요. 내용을 설명할 때 불필요한 요소가 끼어들지 않도록 흐름을 잘 만들어주시는 데 신경써주세요. 시간을 조절할 때는 내가 생각한 근거 두 가지로 서론과 결론을 먼저 작성해두고, 본론에서 main idea한 문장 - 설명 2~3문장 - 관련 사례 4~5문장 이런 식으로 문장 수를 정해두고 시간 안에 쓰는 연습을 하시면 도움이 되니 참고해주세요~ 어법상 어색하게 표현된 부분이 좀 있는 편이니 단어선택과 문법사항 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |