▶ Your Answer :
There is some discrepancy over whether or not people have to invest their money in traveling rather than saving in deposit. Some people agree with the idea because traveling gives them good memories and helps to relieve stress. I, however, disagree with that statement for two reasons. There are reasons as follow. To begin with, people do not know when they will face with emergency. Most of exigency such as traffic accident, bad news about family and sudden financial hardship do not notify its timing to us. Therefore, we have to prepare some deposit. Economic relax is very beneficial for us to deal with such situations. During my university years, I went to trip to Busan with my friends. Busan is one of the most beautiful cities y in South Korea. We prepared a lot of camping equipments and also reserved a famous restaurant. After enjoying the travel, we went to forest and enjoyed camp fire. We danced around the fire and enjoyed the moment. Suddenly, I flipped my foot. There was a lot of blood in my ankle, and I was shocked. My friends immediately called to 911 and took an ambulance. Aftermath, I had ve to pay for healing, and fFortunately, I had some money because I saved it after graduating my high school. My mom always put great emphasis ze on finance;, thus, I started saving at that time. Through this story, we can reach a conclusion : iIt is very useful for people to save money in order to manage unplanned accident. In addition, these days, the youth should prepare their future. In other words, traveling is not necessary to our life. Moreover, there might be cheaper cost to travel in the future. However, some situations like marriage, pregnancy and entering new school are very crucial in living our life. If we do not prepare them, we might be embarrassed ing later. Interestingly, a renowned socialist published an article in "The Korea Post" claims that people usually regret spending their all money during their youth. Also the article argues that a lot of people suggest that the most important component of happiness is economic stability. According to their survey, 63 percent of 200 students in Seoul National University replied that they are fixated on saving a lot of money for their future. And they also said that if they save some money now, they can spend it to have more amazing experience than traveling. This shows the importance of saving money. To sum up, I firmly believe that people save money to invest in their livfes and dealing with exigency. In this regard, it is more helpful for people to save money for the future.
Good (24-26) 첫번째 본문 -they will be faced with emergency OR will face emergency 로 써주세요 -one of +복수 -중간에서, 문맥상 과거이므로, enjoy-->enjoy -Aftermath 다음에서, 문매상 과거이므로 have--> had -대소문자 오류 -put emphasis on 으로 써주세요. emphasize는 동사이기 때문에 put (동사)와 같이 쓰면 어색합니다. -, thus 로 문장 두개 이을 수 없습니다. 주어+동사 ; thus, 주어+동사 로 써주세요. -: 다음에 소문자 (고유명사/예외 사항 제외)
두번째 본문 -수동태는 be p.p. -to travel, to have는 디테일한 내용 이해를 위해 추가하였습니다. 내용 괜찮습니다. 문법 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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