▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, studying environment plays a significant role in academic achievements. There is an opinion that organised rooms provide a better studying condition to students than untidy rooms. I strongly agree with this claim due to several reasons as follows. First, keeping uniformly clean conditions in their rooms clean all the time requires self-discipline, dilience, and other important qualities which may aid scholastic results. For instance, a study conducted by several research teams including the Tokyo Research Center which divided students into 2 groups - one consisiting of those who habitually cleaned their desks and the other group who did not. vice versa The result of the research showed that the former group had an average of 214 points higher in SAT than the latter. To be specific, the first group showed a longer attention span, a stronger passion in their tasks and a better ability to delay gratification. Not surprisingly, the other group tended to get distracted easily, procrastinate, and act on impulse. This implies that keeping sanitary and organised atmosphere enables students to cultivate important qualities needed for success. In addition, students are able to relax in an organised environment. A clean room provides a peaceful place without much objects to distract students, helping them recharge their batteries before refocusing on their work. The environment also allows students to sleep in a better environment. Sleep, especially the last stage of sleep which is the Rapid Eye Movement(REM) sleep is very important for students as it is the stage when the short term memory in the form of a cluster of neurons forming weak synapses is altered into long term memory which is stored in the cerebral cortex. (문장이 지나치게 깁니다. 2-3문장으로 나누어 설명하세요) This REM sleep is easily interrupted and when their there are many distractions in the room due to the extremely complicated process during the stage. Therefore, if the room is clean, students will be able to have more chance of having greater memory span due to the longer REM sleep they experience. Without clean rooms, one would fall behind. All things considered, I strongly support the view that keeping a room neat and sanitary provides more benefit than having an unorganised room for the reasons I have mentioned above.
[Score] 20-22 [Feedback] - 글의 구조나 내용은 좋습니다. - 다만, 문장의 흐름이나 문법적인 표현에 있어서 어색하고 불필요한 부분이 많습니다. 한 문장안에 너무 많은 내용을 담으려고 하지 마시고 간결하고 명확한 문장 여러 개로 나누어 설명하는 연습을 하시면 도움이 될 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다^^ |