▶ Your Answer : There is a controversial debate on whether or not it is more beneficial to maintain closed relationship with a small number of people for a long time than to have an ability to make many new friends easily (주제 문장 중 중복되어 사용된 단어가 다소 많습니다. 이를 확인하시고 paraphrase 해 주세요). According to my point of view, the notion that having the ability to retain relationship with a small number of people is more important than to make many new friends easily is irrational and disagreeable for the following reasons: foundation for success, and having a good time with friends.
To begin with, it does not helps people lay the foundation for success. Nowadays, people need to broaden social network to be successful. Because the world becomes complicated and competitive, people cannot achieve success by themselves. If someone build strong and wide social connection by making many new friends, they would accomplish great success. One of my cousins, KY, has become a successful businessman. He is running a shoe shop and makes a great fortune now. The reason for his success is that he has an ability to make many new friends. He always thinks of his friends as first priority, so he has done his best to his friends. Due to this character, he has a wide social network. When he launched the shoe business first, he came up with an idea to make an advertisement on social media platforms such as Facebook, and Instagram. After making the advertisement, he asked his friends to share it with other people. Because of his broad network, the advertisement could spread out quickly. Finally, the advertisement was successful, and he could sell a lot of shoes every day. This clearly proves that having a wide social network can make someone successful.
On top of that, people cannot have more time with their friends. Many people today are very busy with many things. Moreover, some people go abroad to have a better jobs or find new opportunities. If people have a narrow social network, they would suffer from loneliness whenever they cannot meet their friends. My brother, SK, usually has few numbers of friends and has a strong emotional bonds with them. He always wants to have a good time with one or two friends. A few years ago, however, one of his friends made a decision to work abroad for his goal. My brother was disappointed about the news, but he supported his friend's decision. After the friend went away, he was depressed because he could not have a time with the friend. They call each other frequently now, but it is not enough for him. The same situation can apply to those who have a narrow social network.
To sum up, the ability to maintain a large number of people around a person as friends cannot only help people to lay the foundation for success but also allow the person to have more time with their friends. Therefore, it should be more important to have an ability to make many new friends.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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GOOD
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FAIR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 주어 동사 수 일치 (he - has(O), have(X) ) 관련 문법 실수 주의해주세요. |