▶ Your Answer:
Although
there is no complete consensus that has been reached on the topic, I strongly
believe that phones take freedom away from
people. This is because people spend too much time
on their phones and it brings stress. (take time from people and being
addicted to using phone cause stress.)
To begin with, the time people spend on using phones has increased
significantly. (take enormous time from people
these days.) Most of people u(se mobile phones now. than ever before.) Thus,
people can't concentrate on
anything when they using phones. (to
others by using phone.) They always use phones even when they are with family or friends. (to use such as doing a group activity or having a meal.) For
example, my friends and I
were on vacation together. (go
on a trip with me on summer vacation.) I expected that we would have lots of conversations about our
lives during the trip. (My
plan was having conversation as to getting career in future or opposite sex
problem.) However, when we arrived at the hotel, the
first thing they did was to pick up their phones. (they picked up their phones and do their private tasks like chatting
with other friends or surfing internet.) Therefore, there was no time to talk
with my friends because they
were always on their phones. (use
most of their time using it.)
On top of that, people become
anxious without their phones. (they get stressed if they can't use their phone.)
Some people are so addicted to their
phones that they cannot leave it alone for a minute. (Too much using phone cause addiction. Addicted people get
annoyed or angry, if they are not able to use it.) According to statistics done by Seoul National University, most teens have phone
addiction problems. (surveyed at
University Seoul, nowadays most of juveniles are addicted in smart
phone. Although not every youths are caught by the phone, but most of them
are too much seized using their phone.) Teens tend to spend more time chatting with friends, playing
games, and interacting with others on social media than adults. (they use most of
their time playing games,chatting,doing SNS or something else.) They even get
mad at their parents, if they
try to stop them from using it too much. (parents try to bother them using phone. Moreover, they
pass a night without sleep because of they are addicted at phone.) This
demonstrates people have less freedom because of
smart phones. (no freedom because they are caught
by phone.)
To sum up, phones take time away from
people and they can cause more stress in life. (addicted to phone cause stress.)
In this regard, I think phones take freedom away
from people.
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Writing Score (0-30): 17-18
Score (0-5): 2.50-2.75
Grammar & Feedback: 우선 스펠링 미스테이크, 콤마사용, 대문자, 띄어쓰기 같은 기본적인 것들 제출 전에 꼼꼼히 체크 해
보세요. 한정적인 어휘 사용과 문법적인 오류가
많았습니다. 그리고 첫 번째, 두 번째 주장 둘 다 큰
맥락에서 보면 폰 사용시간이 너무 많아서
자유를 빼앗는다는 같은 주장 이어서
다른 이유를 하나 더
제시 하시는 것이 좋을 듯 합니다. 문법과 어휘 공부를 더 많이 하시면 글 쓰시는데
도움이 될 듯 합니다. 수고하셨어요.