▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, advanced technology plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that it is better to buy a new technological device when it becomes available than to wait until many people take it, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that people can benefit more from purchasing a new technological equipment before others have it. There are several reasons as follows. 본론에서 제시한 근거가 한 가지이므로 several reasons라 표현하기는 애매해요. 본론을 한 문단 제시하더라도 '시간면에서나 노력면에서나 효율적이다'하는 식으로 효율성의 여러 측면을 언급하면 several reasons로 지칭할 수 있으니 본론을 더 보완하면 좋을 것 같아요.
To begin with, buying a new technological device earlier than others allows people to improve their work performance. The most recent products are equipped with many functions that help people do work more efficiently and accurately. When such functions are well used, it is likely to bring a better result. 최신 기술이 어떻게 도움을 주는지에 대해서 좀 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요. For example, Tokyo university found a huge difference between two groups of young adult in academic performance. One group consisted of those who completed their schoolwork with using the latest tablet PC, and the other group was made up of those who did done their tasks without it. The researchers found that the former was more likely to outperform the latter by 15 percent. In particular, the first group showed a higher accuracy in their result and completed their project faster than the second group. This implies that using new technological machines is the key to success, academically as well as professionally. Without having something new, one would fall behind.
All things considered, I firmly believe that the advantages of buying new one before others buy do it far outweigh the disadvantages those of doing not for the reasons I have mentioned above. In this regard, the importance important of possessing up-to-date technological device cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of success in life.
Comment : 최신 device를 바로 구입하는 것을 성공과 관련지어서 주장을 일관성있게 잘 서술해주셨어요. 근거를 설명하는 부분에서 좀 더 구체적으로 '이런 면에서 / 이런 면에서 더 효율적이고 성공에 도움이 된다' 하는 식의 내용 제시가 보완되면 더 좋을 것 같아요. (시간이 더 있다면 본론을 두 개로 나누어서 several reasons에 부합하는 내용 구성이 되면 더 좋고요~ ) 단계적 내용 구성과 충분한 근거 제시가 중요하니 전략적으로 답안 작성하는 부분을 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |