▶ Your Answer :
People have many
different opinions about the statement that business people are motivated only
by the desire of money. I strongly believe that the statement above is untrue, because Beacause of the importance of
responsibility in their job and desire of success in their area.
First of all, when
someone is given work in business, it there
is no need to say that she feels a strong sense of responsibility in that work, and these kinds of responsibility motivate him her to work hard. According to the a psychological survey, reasercher researchers found that the responbility responsibility that people have affects their work. People who are given the big
responsibilities tend to be motivated more than
people who don't have any responsibility. Therefore, it is not only money but also the
sense of responsibility which influences to
people.
In addition, people have the
desire of success in their area. They want to make better performances and want to be recognized, it which will make
people work harder. Desire of success is not related
with money (이건 좀 논리적으로 맞지 않는 표현인 것 같습니다.). People only want to make a great
result. (이것 또한 일반화 하는 표현이라 좋지 않습니다.) For example, my
cousin works in a
small design company. Actually, her sallery is no t salary is not really high, also but she works so hard
that she comes back backs to the home
very late every night. But This is because she has a strong desire of making a better performance in the company. She always says
tells me that "Although I am work very hard, I have to do my best." Like
her, money reallly not affect really does not
have an effect to people who have a high
sense of professionalism. (마찬가지로 일반화하는 문장입니다. 논리적으로 충분히 반박이 가능하니
이런 표현들은 최대한 사용하지 말아주세요.)
To sum up with, since
due to the responsibility that people get and the
desire of work, the statement that only money motivates
business peolpe people does is not
make sense.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
5 |
Overall
Comment: |
문법 오류가 너무 많습니다. 위
지적사항들을 참고하세요. 추가적으로 논리적으로 아쉬움이 많은 문장들이 많았고, 철자 오류도 많았습니다. |
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