▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversy whether
educating on children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past
because they have a hard time focusing on their studies due to the cell phone,
online games and social networking web site. I strongly agree with the
statement that it is harder to educate children nowadays compared to the past
because of the use of cell phone, online games, and social networking web site.
The reasons include that children have a hard time concentrating on the class
materials and there are more distractions than before. In addition to that, development
of technology lures children to use such goods and services. ^
First of all, it is difficult for
children to focus on their studies. Cell phone, online games, and social
networking web site are addictive and distract children from studying. Unlike
the past, going on to the internet and talking to other people using cell phone
have become easy. For instance, when I was young, cell phones were not widely
used as well as the social networking service;, therefore, it was fairly easy
for me to stay focused on my studies. The situation was changed when I got to
college. Ssmart phones, online games, social networking website were booming and
it was hard for me to stay away from those. ^
Second, the development of
technology encourages children to use cell phone, and online games. The
companies design such items and service to attractive children. They are user
friendly and cost effective;, thus, children can easily get their hands on those
services. For instance, my cousin who is 7 years old already has d a cell phone
and uses it for gaming and social networking. ^
Finally, some might argue that
education children is not a difficult task today, but I strongly argue that
educating children is much challenging today because of the cell phones, online
games, and social networking web site. The reasons are children can get
distracted compared to the past and conveniencey.
Fair (17-23) 서론 -토픽에 나온대로 educating children으로 써주세요. -distract는 동사형으로 문맥에 적절하지 않습니다. 명사형인 distraction 써주세요.
첫번째 본문 -철자오류 -, therefore, 로 문장 두개 잇지 못합니다. ; therefore, 로 바꿔주시던가 두개의 문장으로 쪼개어주세요. -대소문자 오류
두번째 본문 -첫번째 본문과 길이 균형 맞춰주세요. -철자오류 -thus 도 therefore 과 마찬가지입니다. 결론 -마지막 밑줄 친 부분 어떤 의미로 쓰셨는지 모호합니다.
내용 본문들 보다 서론이 더 깁니다. 내용적으로 더 풍성하게 해주세요. 특히 두번째 본문은 첫번째 본문과 내용도 많이 중복되고 컨텐츠 자체가 너무 부실합니다. 본문 두개의 이유 더 상이하고, 설명과 이유, 예시 부분에서 보충해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~
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