■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
|
|
▶ Topic :
Regardless of whether it affect your life, you should know about world events. do you agree or disagree? |
|
|
▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that they should not know about world events regardless of whether it affect their life. However, in my opinion, people should be aware of the world events even if it do not affect their life. One reason is that they can catch the flow of our world when they learn about the world’s events. Another reason is that they could sometimes be more brighter people when it comes to the environment of the specific field in the world.
First of all, they could adapt well about the trend of the world nowadays if they know. Ttherefore, they can anticipate their own future especially it will really be helpful when they have experiences of this knowledge. To be specific, I believe experience is one of the most essential factors in the world. Imagine that people only have textbook knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By learning and experiencing, they can not only gain diverse experiences but also broaden their perspective of the world. For example, I am working for the Information Technology company as a developer and this field is always needed being trendy and not out-dated. And I am participating the WWDC(World Wide Developer Conference) of APPLE,INC every year when I grab an opportunity. Finally I realized that how the IT markets work in this world and I could find out whether my personal technology can be helpful or not.
On top of that, iIf I have to do presentation something to the public, I could seem like a more smarter person in front of them through my broad horizon. To explain, it is required for people to have a wide variety of knowledge rather than deep knowledge of one specific field. A person with sufficient knowledge is regarded as ‘a person of intelligence’ in this world, while others who lack knowledge are simply ignored. For example tThere were 2 types(A,B) of my professor in the database field. For your information, I have majored computer science at the university. So what I want to tell you is that professor A was so interested in economical situation of the world and he could teach us the importance of database by grafting onto the economy of world. But the professor B was not. So at that time, students thought professor A was more intelligent and he was helping us for more motivation to study.
To sum up, people can grab the tendency and prepare for their upcoming future. Furthermore, people will sometimes judge you as ‘a person of smartness’. In this regard, I think people should know about the world events even if it is not affect to their life directly.
Good (24)
서론 -be aware of
첫번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -be helpful -마지막 연두색 부분에, 세계 뉴스를 아는 것과 my personal technology와 관련성이 없어보입니다. 따라서, 모호합니다. 그것에 대한 설명을 보충해주세요. 두번째 본문 -more smarter은 비교급 중복입니다. more smart 혹은 smarter 로 해주세요. -대소문자 오류 -내용상, smart 하게 보이기 위한 세계 정보 습득은 좀 일차원적입니다. 정보가 많아서 다른 사람/사회에 어떤 영향을 끼쳤다던지, 내 자신에게 어떤 영향을 끼쳤다든지 좀더 넓고 설득력있는 이유가 필요합니다. 또한, 예시에서도, 한 교수가 세계 트렌드를 잘 알고 있어서 학생들에게 동기부여 뿐만 아니라 실제적으로 취업에 도움을 줬다던지 하는 내용이 나오면 설득력이 올라갑니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
|
|
첨삭 감사드립니다ㅠㅠ
점수 야박하게 주셔도 됩니당. 야박하게 주시면 얼마나 야박하게 주시는지 알려주시면 감사해요~~~