▶ Your Answer : The modern world is overflowing with politics due to the drastic development of the information technology. As students nowadays are revealed to significant amount of articles and advertisements of which political messages, the knowledge in the field is gaining importance. This is due to the fact that the knowledge enables students to remain unbiased even after being near massive quantities of extreme politcal propagandas. To begin with, learning about politics aids students to stay out of trouble. The increae in the percentage of the human population having access to information through IT increases the chaces of them from gaining politically biased informnations. As the sources of informations nowadays are dominated by the World Wide Web by CERN compared to the sources in the past such as books or oral communication, it has become much easier for the government to controll or distort the information and spread it to the mass. People without much interest in politics will accept the information as a whole without being aware that it may be biased. For example, a newspaper company which backs a specific political party is likely to publish articles which are is biased toward the certain party. Students with enough knowledge or interest in politics may compare the newspaper with the one which is biased toward the opposing party to have a more unbiased information. However, people without much interest in the subject may believe the newspaper and have a skewed information and impression about an issue. In addition, the knowledge protects them from being influenced by extreme activists such as terrorist group or facists. There are many cases of people without much political knowledge joining dangerous groups. For example, in Korea, there was a case when a student joined the ISIS through internet. More recently, a large number of people joined feminazi or extreme right wing net portals such as Megalia or Ilganbest. Therefore, as nowaday's technology in information and communication can be easily misused to spread skewed information, it is essential for students to learn about politics.
Fair (17-23)
서론 -~에 대한 이라는 의미는 about이나 of 를 쓰시는 것이 적합합니다. 또한, which 절은 which(주어)+ 동사가 필요합니다.
첫번째 본문 -철자 오류 -information주로 뒤에 s 붙이지 않습니다. -단/복수 동사 오류
내용 괜찮습니다. 하지만, 두번째 본문도 첫번째 본문의 연장선 같은 느낌이고, 길이면에서도 심한 차이가 보입니다. 결론적으로, 하나의 이유가 제공된 것처럼 보입니다. 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 이유를 최소 2개는 하셔야 (본문 2개) 설득력있는 에세이가 됩니다.
수고하셨습니다~~ |