▶ Your Answer :
A thought-provoking current issue concerns that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. It is, therefore, timely to consider the validity of this perspective. Some people think that airplanes have made a greater impact on society than cars. However, I strongly believe that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. First, cars are more affordable transportation than planes in terms of price. Second, people are able to avoid unexpected situation by driving a car.
To begin with, the price of cars are usually affordable, so that many people can buy their own cars. That being said, more people can live a better quality of life because people cannot buy their own airplanes easily. They have to pay for the plane ticket, and it is usually very expensive. Not only can people have their own cars, but also using a car can be a wise decision considering individual economics. ________________________________________________________________________ Car companies have to make more cars, and they trade their products with other countries. the companies need more employees, which can be a great job opening for the unemployed people. For example, one of the car companies, Hyundai, sells their cars to the local people and also to many other countries such as Japan, China, USA, and so on. This is very important because it leads to economic proficiency. (구체적으로 차를 수출하는 것이 어떻게 경제적 benefit을 창출하는지에 대한 background info가 전혀 없습니다) As a result, people can drive their own cars and live life more conveniently; at the same time, it is economically beneficial.
- economically beneficial & convenience는 별개의 reason이므로 paragraph를 분리하여 작성하셔야 합니다( 부연설명 / 예시 또한 각각 add되어야 합니다)
On top of that, using airplanes can lead people to be exposed to unexpected situations, but using a car allows people to be prepared for more. For instance, when I took an airplane for the first time, I did not know that I had to get to the airport three hours earlier than the departure of the flight. As a result, I could not shop at the duty free shop and hurried up to the plane. However, the flight was delayed for two hours due to the malfunction. After fixing the problem, I could finally leave towards the destination. Also, not long ago, United Airline's police officers harassed one of the passengers due to the fact that they overbooked and they did not have extra seats. To avoid these unexpected situations, using cars is better. One can use navigation to find traffic status and check remaining distance. These are the reasons why cars have made more impact on society than airplanes. - 문장을 쓰다가 만 듯한 내용들이 일부 보입니다. 온전하게 argument를 논리적으로 끝낼 수 있게 proofreading을 해 주세요.
As mentioned above, I think cars have made greater impact on society than airplanes. (결론이 지나치게 짧습니다. 본인이 주장한 내용을 요약하고 ~하기 때문에 ~에 동의한다 는 풍부한 내용의 결론을 작성해주세요: ideally 3~4 sentences)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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