▶ Your Answer : People have different opinions about the statement that people who move out of the native town is happier and more successful than those who stay all their life. (주제 그대로 작성 지양해주시고 paraphrase해 주세요) I strongly believe that the statement above is true because of the importance of experiences which they can have outside of their hometown and the stress that can be caused by one's repeated life in an environment that the person grew up.
First, for successful life, the variety of experiences is key factor. When people stay all their lives in one city, they cannot (full ver. 작성해주세요) get chances to have many other situations. If people go another place from their native town, they can meet a lot of people from other place and will face to many kinds of situations that can be helpful in our future life. (많은 사람을 만나서 어떤 것을 배우는 지 내용이 없습니다. benefit이 구체적으로 적혀 있지 않을 경우 '자신의 고향을 떠나 많은 사람들을 만나는 것' 에 대한 이점이 명시가 되지 않기 때문에 strong argument라고 볼 수 없습니다) My cousin was really wanted to go another place, so she traveled a lot. And (기초적인 실수: but, and 등을 문장 앞에 작성하는 것) She told me that it was a great chance for her to learn a lot of things in her life. Now, she is working at the hotel in Jeju Island, one of the most beautiful island in Korea, and feels satisfied. She also wants to go other countries. Like this, when we experiences a lot of things in other places our quality of life will be get better. - 'a lot of things' , 'quality of life'등 애매모호한/정의되지 않은 내용들이 담겨 있습니다. 정확한 benefit (예 - 다양한 경험을 통해 '세상을 보는 안목이 넓어지고 이를 통해 직장 및 학교 등 중요한 순간에서 현명한 판단을 할 수 있다. 등) 들을 나열할 수 있어야 합니다. Moreover, spending one's life in native city will give bad influence to us because native city does not have really special events (각 지역마다 특색있는 행사들은 많습니다. 해당 argument의 설명을 보았을 때 reason 2 또한 논리적인 주장이라고 보기에 내용이 미흡합니다). We must have something refreshing in our life for our happy life, but we only have repeated life routine in native village. There is a result of research that people who stayed in their native town for a long time feel stress in their life. (자료 출처 및 조사 목적 등 구체적인 내용 또한 빠져 있어서 이를 research example로 count 하기 어렵습니다) For example, my friend who attends to other city’s university always came back to our city in vacation because she needed some rest time in her family town. However, she just said that our town is very boring. (구체적으로 왜 지루한지 작성해주세요 - 만약 도시가 고향일 경우 복잡하고 다양한 일이 있는데 지루하다고 표현될 경우 논리가 맞지 않습니다) In fact native town can be a rest place for our busy life. But just spend repeated life style is not good at our successful life.
In conclusion, for some reasons that experiencing a lot of things and getting rid of our stress from routinely life (이 내용은 주제를 뒷받침하는 이유라고 보기 어렵습니다). I firmly believe that it will be better choice to stay in another place than spending one's life in a native village for his or her future.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 이유 및 이를 뒷받침 하는 논리가 본인의 주장을 설득력 있게 펼치지 못하고 있습니다. - 문법 실수 (sentence fragment)가 반복적으로 나타나며 기타 문법 실수도 많습니다.
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