There might be some people who think that people
these days do not put much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. (주제 단어 그대로 사용 지양해주시고 동의어 활용하여 paraphrase해 주세요) However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent
reasons. First, people nowadays are having more plastic surgeries. Second, the
means of communication have been developed.
First of all, plastic surgeries have
been conducted more than the past nowadays. Over the past few decades, people are being
hired more easily by having good impressions. They are changing the first impression by having plastic surgeries. According to the recent research done
by Korea University, the number of people who had plastic surgeries increased 30% more than the 80’s. This is due to the fact that the importance of good
impression was increased at job interviews. This
clearly shows that plastic surgeries are
done more than the past by people today.
--> 이유라고 보기엔 다소 narrow합니다.
--> 조금 더 범위가 넓게 작성해주세요
예) '계속되는 실업난과 더불어 human interaction이 중심이 되는 직업군이 증가함에 따라 외모가 더욱 중요시되고 있다' 는 이유에 덧붙여 '최근에는 ~와 같은 직업군 외에 ~등의 직종들이 생기는데, 여기서 외모는 자기관리 등 매우 중요한 역량으로도 판단된다. 이러한 trend를 반영하듯 성형은 더욱 인기를 끌고 있다 + 고려대학교 통계 작성
Second, new communication devices have been
introduced. With the improvement of technology, people can share their everyday
life through social media networks (SNS는 콩글리시 입니다) on smart phones. They upload photos of what they are wearing
and boast how they are fashionable every day. This makes people compare
themselves with other people. However, about twenty years ago, there were no smart phones
and there was no chance for people to boast their fashion styles globally since there were no communication device that can deliver images instantly. Let
me bring up my personal story as an example. (Let 은 구어체이므로 사용을지양해주세요) When I was very young (경험 작성 시 대략적인 나이대를 작성하는 것이 중요합니다), there were
no means of communication such as smart phones, so I did not think about my appearance
or fashion seriously. However, after I grew up as an adult, smart phones were
developed and I started to compare my appearance with other fashionable people
on social media by using smart phones, which led me to concern about my fashion
styles for too much. If it had not been for the introduction of smart phones, I would not
have put that much emphasis on my fashion.
In conclusion, more plastic surgeries are conducted
by people today, and new communication devices have been appeared. In this
regard, I firmly believe that too much emphasis on personal appearance and
fashion is put by people.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- social media를 통해 사람들이 일상을 deliver하기 시작했는데, 타인의 행복한 일상을 보며 너도 나도 경쟁적으로 좋은 모습을 social media에 보여주기 위해 노력한다. 그 중에서도 가장 중요한 요소는 외모로 너나 할 것 없이 앱을 사용해서 얼굴을 교정하고 더욱 예쁜 모습으로 사진 속에 담기기 위해 많은 관리를 하게 된다 등 social media와 주제와 좀 더 관련된 설명을 보충해주세요.