▶ Your Answer : Many people argue about the topic of bringing up pets in our daily life. Frequently, this topic is related to the money problem.
I am in favor with people spending money on their pets. In my perspective, pets are like family members with whom we live our everyday life, so we have a sort of duty of bringing them up them. Following opinion is based on this point of view.
In first, I see the social phenomenon of people's great concern to pets is in relation with the isolation of individuals in this society. Isolation leads people to needs for somebody who to shows concern to you and somebody for you to show concern for them. Compared to past, today the number of family members is very little and our daily life in this industrial society is hectic, so people want more someone close to them like a family member, and pets came to replace them.
In addition, in the assumption that they consider their pets as family member, they have duty of bring them up them as family member. As it is natural that you care about other family member, you can spend money for your pet's health, foods, funny activities and so on. That is a natural and favorable relationship between you and them.
To In summarize, pets came close to our daily life as a member of family, and we have to care of them.
In this point of view, spending money on our pets is better than any other ways of expenditure.
Limited (1-16)
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서론 -bring up them --> bring them up
첫번째 본문 -to 부정사는 to+동사원형 -somebody 에 대한 설명이므로 who 가 들어가야 자연스럽습니다. 마지막 문장에서, and를 넣지 않고는 문장들을 이을 수 없습니다. (그 앞에는 so 로 이으셨습니다)
두번째 본문 -연두색 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다. -내용상 두번째 본문인지 첫번째 본문의 연장선인지 모호합니다.
본문의 내용이 사람들이 애완동물을 키우는 이유-->애완동물 중요--> 돈 투자 당연 이렇게 흘러갑니다. 하지만, 애완동물을 키우는 이유는 불필요한 내용입니다. 애완동물의 중요성에서 포함되어도 괜찮은 내용입니다. 또한, 본문이 한개나 다름없는 내용 구성입니다. 서론+본문1+본문2+결론 의 틀로 써주세요. 각 문단 안에서는 줄바꿈 하지 말아주세요.
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