▶ Your Answer :
People’s intellectual, social and personal
development are highly influenced by interesting mass media. With this
understanding, I believe that watching movies that are primarily designed to
amuse or entertain is better than watching serious movies that are designed to
make people think for two reasons. This is because watching movies that are
primarily designed to be fun (amuse/entertain 이전 문장에 사용) enables people to relieve stress and
enjoy a better quality of life. (GOOD, but 주제 단어 대신 동의어 대체 사용 필요)
Firstly,
watching entertaining and amusing movies makes people to relieve stress.
Understanding the daily environment of the people and the potential role of the
methods of relieving stress is necessary to substantiate this view. For
instance, many people have to patiently sit through to traffic get to work.
Once they are at work, they have to endure countless documents and continue
read more even at home. Such an exhausting daily routine repeats itself and
eventually wears down people. As a way to managing the ensuing stress, people
can watch movies that are designed to amuse or entertain such as comedy movies
or action movies and so on. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees
their minds from the intense mental pressure from work. In this regard, I argue
that watching entertaining and amusing movies allows people to relieve stress. ==> Template 사용, 구체적으로 이유 뒷받침하는 예시 없음
Secondly,
watching entertaining movies and amusing movies makes people to enjoy a better
quality of life. (삶의 질이 개선된다는 내용은 매우 모호하기 때문에 해당 내용을 좀 더 구체적으로 어떤 측면에서 삶이 개선된다는 것인디 (앞서 작성한 스트레스 해소 제외하고) 작성해주세요) Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea
published an article in “The Korea Herald” last Tuesday claimed that
watching movies that entertain or amuse enables people to strengthen
relationships with their friends and families. The article argues that watching
interesting movies with close acquaintances provides meaningful opportunities for people who are
struggling to connect with their families and peers. Essentially, watching
interesting movies with other people promotes social activities that encourage
for people to openly interact and freely exchange their views and ideas about
movies. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to express one’s own
opinions but also to share enjoyable memories with other people, allowing
people to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of
life. I thought of this report because the results of the survey resonated with
my thoughts. --> 이 내용은 "삶의 질 향상"이 아닌 사람들과 재미있는 영화를 볼 때 대화를 더욱 자주 할 수 있고 "사람 간 bonding 형성에 도움이 된다"는 주장에 더 가깝습니다.
To
sum up, I believe that it is better for people to watch amusing or entertaining
movies than to watch serious movies that are designed to make people think for the following reasons: relieving
stress and enjoying a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of
my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- Template 사용은 양호하나 좀 더 주제에 맞추어서 창의적으로 일부 내용을 변형해서 사용해주세요. No copy and paste!
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