▶ Your Answer :
With developing society and education,
people in the modern society have all different tastes. This is why some people
think that there are better ways to spend money. However, I believe that there is no doubt
that spending large sums of money on their pets is better way such a great way to spend money. Two rational
aspects are strikingly noticed, and will be discussed as basic but crucial
reasons in the following essay.
First, breeding taking care of pets can possibly be a way
to relieve stress. People nowadays are living a busy and hectic life, so they
are under great stress. but However, a lot of them don’t do not even realize they are stressed
out.(세 문장을 한 문장으로 연결하는 것은 좋지 않아요) By spending a lot of money on their pet, they can spend great time with their
pets. Thus, This helps people can to relieve stress. A few days ago, I read an article posted
online by CHR as to survey that is related to this topic. Of the more than 300
journalists surveyed in Korea, about 80 percent of them believe that spending
large sums of money on their pets is better good way to spend their money. The majority of the
respondents added that the reason lies in the fact that by spending time with their
pets, they feel relaxed and happy. This shows that spending money to breed pets
is better way.
In addition, spending money to their pets
makes them save time. Of course, it is generally accepted that spending money
to do other things makes people have good experience. However, if people used
money to do something wrong, it will waste their time. This is why spending
money to their pets is better. I will provide an example of my friend, Kevin,
who I have known since elementary school. He used to spend money by going
internet café to for playing game. But one day, he decided to breed have pets. This
decision changed his life for the better. By spending money to his pets, he
didn’t go to the internet café stopped playing computer games. SoTherefore, he could save time and spend time to study English.
If he had spent time to play computer gamesgo internet café, he would have got a less lower grade at his
English test.
In conclusion, to relieve stress and to
save time is very important because it makes people have a better life. There
is no doubt that spending large sums of money on their pets is better way.
[Score] 20-22 [Feedback] - 우선, 아까 제 실수로 첨삭되지 않은 글을 올려서 죄송합니다! - 피드백을 드리자면 글의 구조나 문장의 흐름 그리고 예시 등은 좋습니다. - 다만, 표현적인 부분에 있어서 직독직해식의 어색한 표현들이 조금 있구요. breed라는 표현은 맞는 표현이 아닙니다. Have pets 나 Taking care of pets 가 맞습니다. 그리고 이러한 글에서는 축약형을 삼가해주세요. (ex. don't -> do not) - 그리고 So 보다는 Therefore, But 보다는 However 이나 Nontheless가 좋습니다. - 마지막으로, 두 번째 topic sentence는 적절하지 않은 것 같네요. 예시를 보면 친구가 인터넷 게임을 하는 대신 애완동물을 키우는데 돈을 씀으로써 게임할 시간에 공부를 했다고 했는데요. 이는 시간을 절약했다기보단 보다 생산적인 일에 관심을 돌리게 해준다던지의 topic sentence로 수정하시는게 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다~! |