▶ Your Answer : Some people think that people should not try different jobs before deciding a career. However, in my opinion, it is better to try a variety of jobs before determining a career. There are two reasons. First, it is necessary to have a wide variety of experiences in the world you only live once. Second, it can reduce relieve your stress in the process of finding a job. To begin with, there are many jobs in this world, so it is a waste of time to miss lots of opportunities. I believe experience is one of the most essential factors of success in this world. Imagine people only have textbook knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By accessing and storing many experiences, they can not only gain diverse experience but also broaden their horizon of the world. For example, when I was a college student, a history professor said that I had you have to experience more and more jobs before deciding a lifetime job. At that time, I didn't know what it meant because I was urged to seek for a job to make a living. live in. However, I eventually gave up to concentrate on finding just one job. Then, many opportunities came to me. I could can apply for the job related to my major.. So it was a turning point in my life. 진짜 직업을 찾기 전에 여러 분야 직업을 경험하는 것이 왜 좋은지가 모호해요. 앞부분에서는 인생에 있어서 여러 경험을 해야 시야가 넓어진다는 점을 강조하고 있는데 갑자기 교과서지식만 가지고 있으면 안 좋다는 설명에서 다시 사례에서는 하나만 찾으려고 하기보다 여러 가지에 눈을 돌려야 기회가 온다는 설명을 하고 있기 때문에 문단의 요지가 무엇인지 가늠하기 어렵습니다. 어떤점을 주장하고자 하는 내용으로 제시할 것인지 한 가지로 정리하고 그 내용에 맞게 설명과 사례도 다듬어주세요.
On top of that, people can release their stress while thinking about various jobs and different experiences that they will access. Having the outlet for stress has a meaning itself since it helps one regain energy and find the strength to go on. People nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It will help people get back on track after finding a job. 다른 직업을 생각하면서 스트레스를 푼다는 내용은 주제와 관련이 없습니다. 실제 직업에서 다른 직업환경을 생각하면서 스트레스를 푸는 것이 아니라, 진짜 나의 커리어를 정하기 전에 여러 경험을 해 보는 것이 왜 좋은지를 보여주는 논리가 필요합니다. For instance, when I was a job-seeker, I just wanted to enter the google company. I was always depressed due to the fact that I can't could not take my position there. afford(?) that job. So, I decided to counsel about my future career. From my counselor counseler, I heard an amazing story that she had had many job experiences before finding her career. I was impressed and I wanted to be like her. Eventually, I started to find a wide array of jobs. It was really interesting experiences. So it was my real opportunity.
To sum up, it is better trying to find many experiences that I like. This is because experiences are is very important in people's life. Also, relieving stress will be your vitality. In this regard, people should try different jobs before deciding a career.
Comment :
논제는 여러 직업을 찾아보고 지원하는 것에 대한 질문이 아니라 진짜 자신의 직업을 찾기 전에 다양한 직업 경험이 중요한지를 묻고 있어요. 현재 답안은 직업을 구할 때 한 군데만 볼 게 아니라 여러 군데를 찾아보고 지원하는 게 좋다는 요지로 읽히기 쉽기 때문에 off-topic의 답으로 보일 가능성이 있어 아쉬워요. 진짜 정착할 진로를 찾기 전에 다양한 경험을 하는 것이 좋다고 보는 이유로 명확하게 주장들을 정리하고, 일관성 있게 내용을 풀어낼 수 있게끔 흐름을 만들어주세요. 주제 반영에 신경쓰면서 글을 구성하시면 훨씬 좋은 답안을 쓰실 수 있을 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |