▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, technological device plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that a new technological device when it becomes available than to wait until many people take it, (Wrong sentence structure) but while others do not believe this way. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that buying a new technological device has lots of advantages. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, gaining purchasing a new technological device immediately can improve people’s work performance. The latest devices are equipped with many functions that help people to do work efficiently and accurately. Using these devices well can bring a better result in people’s lives. For example, Tokyo University found a huge difference between two groups of computer companies in their work abilities. One group of company used artificial intelligence machines for their works, and the other group didn't make use of had not any kind of these machines. The researchers found that the former was more likely to have a higher work performance than the latter. In particular, the first company could have high accuracy in their computers (What does it indicate?) because of the smart artificial intelligence devices. For these reasons, the company didn’t waste time and effort to correct mistakes. On the other hand, the second company’s main workforce was only human resources. It was not exaggerated to say that the company wasted almost all the money to compensate mistakes. This implies that the latest devices are key to success of a company.
In addition, buying a new technological device allows people to improve to obtain great human relationship. People who use newest devices can know strengths and weaknesses of the devices earlier than any other people. While sharing the information about the devices with others, people can obtain trust from others and build strong relationships. (Not supportive) For instance, my older brother had used old modeled cell phone for a long time and could not know about cell phone. Cell phone was acted as a method of communication among his peers, so he could not hang out with his same age groups. However, he has changed little by little after becoming an early adapter. He could know lots of useful information of his new phone and talked shared his information with his peers. His peers asked him about the phone whenever they had problems with their phones, and he solved the problems. After that, my brother has not be never felt lonely any more. Without a new device, my brother would fall behind.
All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of the latest device far outweigh its disadvantage for these reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of the new device cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness and success in life.
| 채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Fair 17-19 | - 두 번째 이유는 new cellphone information이 친구와의 관계에서 trust를 주고, communication의 역할을 한다는 단언이, Why? 라는 의문을 주게 됩니다. 그럼 old phone을 쓰는 (성격좋은)친구는 멀어지게 되는건지? SNS사용 Topic과도 관련이 있을 수 있는 사항입니다. elevator가 납득할 수 있는 이유를 가져오는 것이 좋습니다.
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