▶ Your Answer :
People’s intellectual, social and personal
development are highly influenced by their co-workers. With this understanding,
I believe that it is more important for people to get job in which people work
with other people rather than getting job in which people work alone for two
reasons. (주제문을 그대로 사용하는 것을 지양해주시고 paraphrase해 주세요) This is because getting job which work with other people enables
people to learn how to cooperate with each other and enjoy a better quality of
life.
Firstly,
getting a job that works with other people makes people to learn how to cooperate
with each other. Understanding the daily social environment of the people and
the potential role of the having work-partners is necessary to substantiate
this view. Most senior executives in leading corporations stated that the key
to their success was the experience of having a good working partners. This is
because working with coworkers in a better way cannot only compensate with their
shortcomings but also improve their work performances. They added that a sense
of cooperation is regarded more highly now than in the past because today’s
huge problems and tasks cannot be resolved by one individual’s ability and
talent; rather, they must be processed with the advices and helps of others. In
this regard, I argue that getting job in which people work with other people
allows people to learn how to cooperate with each other. + 이를 support하는 example을 작성해주세요.
Secondly,
getting a job that requires to work with other people makes people to enjoy a better quality of
life. (template에서 흔히들 better quality of life 라는 애매모호하고 broad한 이유를 자주 골라 사용하는 경우가 많은데, 특히 ~ 한 측면에서 삶의 질이 향상된다고 mention만 해도 조금 더 concrete한 이유가 됩니다) Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an
article in “The Korean Times” which claims that working with other people
enables people to strengthen their competitiveness in society. The article
argues that the 83 percent of 200 Korean leading recruiters preferred people who
collaborate well with other people. The recruiters show such tendency because
they tend to be more flexible and efficient. In the long run, the flexible mindset
on their working environment and efficient ability to handle problems enhance
work performances. This is because they can properly accept other opinions of
co-workers and take beneficial actions for their works, which results in job
promotion and ultimately help people to enjoy a better quality of life. I
thought of this report because the results of the survey resonated with my
thoughts. (이 내용은 better quality of life가 아닌 직업을 잘 구할 수 있는 것이기 때문에 위의 내용과 겹칩니다: variety of reasons - limited)
To
sum up, I believe that it is better for people to get job in which people work
with other people rather than getting job in which people work alone for the
following reasons (주제문 그대로 사용 지양해주세요, paraphrase 필요) learning how to cooperate with each other and enjoying a
better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above. Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- Template 을 사용하는 것은 좋지만 주제에 맞게 내용을 일부 변형하는 것이 중요합니다.
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