▶ Your Answer :
Whether utilizing money for house or business is a prevalent topic undergoing debate among many people, lots of opinions and suggestions exist with regard to the topic. After reviewing the opinions from several perspectives, I personally agree to the idea that investing money on business is even better than on house for the following three reasons.
To begin with, the lecture I have heard in the past is a good reference to select my own option about the topic. When I was a second grade in middle school, a lecturer visited my school and told us about business. He let us how important business is to earn and increase financial sources. He also taught lots of methods to succeed in business through his own experience. Influenced by the lecture, I can strongly assert that investing money on business is much more advantageous than on house. --> 단순히 개인적 경험에 비추어 해당 내용이 설득력있음을 피력하는 것은 논리적으로 부족합니다. 왜 본인이 다음과 같이 주장하는지 이유를 구체적으로 작성하신 뒤에 해당 내용을 예시로 작성해주세요. --> 문장 앞에 And 작성을 지양해주세요.
Secondly, some views of experts give me an inspiration to make my own determination in regard to the topic. According to the survey conducted by some experts working at Seoul National University in Korea, more than sixty percents of population in Korea have recently tried to open their business, and the percentage continue to rise up to now. This is because many pre-examples of winners became rich through trying on business have affected them. With the consequence of the survey, I think using money for business is definitely greater. - 해당 내용 속 예시에서 구체적으로 '더욱 많은 돈을 벌 수 있기 때문에/ 기업을 운영하며 한 조직을 운영하는 경험을 통해 대인 스킬을 발달 시킬 수 있기 때문에' 등 구체적인 이유가 제시되어 있지 않은 채 무의미한 통계만 포함되어 있습니다. 이유 + 부연설명 뒤에 이에 맞는 예시를 작성해주세요.
Lastly, a philosophical proverb also helps me to decide my own choice about the topic. The philosophical saying that help for learning realistic wisdom appropriately applied to the topic of today, is "Challenge can make new opportunities". I think the proverb can be interpreted as "challenges of business can make financial opportunities to make a lot of money". Therefore, the economical trial with business can create much more emotional improvement and financial development in our life than with house. (emotional improvement가 어떤 내용을 통해 support되는 지 evidence 가 없습니다)
In conclusion, I agree to the idea that utilizing money for business is even better than for house for three reasons mentioned above. Thus, I recommend for young generation to bravely invest their money on business. provided it succeeds, it will be good for you. If it fails, you can get good experience not to fail again.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- TOEFL에세이는 해당 주제에 대한 동의/반대 입장을 택한 후 이에 대한 구체적인 이유 + 이유를 증명하기 위한 설명 + 예시로 내용이 구성됩니다.
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