▶ Your Answer : It is often said that these people want to make relationship with other people and to be a kind person. However, I believe that these days people have a long distance with each other and also in the work place it is hard to deal with other people. There are many examples, but I will support it with two different aspects. ^ To begin with, people have to be a one who win in the work place. This implies that other people in the work place are competitors, not a team. In the past people always had ve to be together. For example, when they hunted animals they had make a big crowd. It was a method how they chose to survive in that period. While nowadays, people have to compete in work to survive. ^ Another reason is that people are more likely to avoid making a relationship than before. We feel more comfortable when we are alone. It is because that we have to meet someone in the work place even we do not don’t want to. It makes people be uncomforted and think that building a relationship is a hard thing what I have to do. It causes us to be defensive to each other. Also many research show that modern people are in the hard time to talk with unknown people. ^ In conclusion, I definitely argue that being able to work with other people is more critical than it was before.
Limited/ Fair (15-18)
서론 -첫문장에 these가 가리키는 대상이 그전에 나오지 않았으므로 그냥 people로 써주세요. 첫번째 본문 -두번째 줄에 in the past 라고 했으니 문맥상 과거이므로 have대신 had써주세요. -끝에서 두번째 문장에서, it was a method of how they survived~ 혹은 바꿔준대로 바꿔주세요. 현재는 어색한 문장입니다.
두번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not -밑줄 친 부분은 현상만 이야기합니다. 그에 대한 적절한 이유를 써주셔야 글이 논리적이고 설득력을 가질 수 있습니다. -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, what I have to do 는 불필요하고 어색한 표현입니다. -같은 문장에서, building a relationship is hard또는 바꿔준대로 바꿔주세요. hard thing은 명사이므로 앞에 a를 붙여줍니다. 그러지 않으려면 그냥 hard (동사)로 끝내주세요.
글자수 300 미만입니다. 미니멈 글자수 300입니다. 이것을 맞추지 못하면 감점됩니다.
글의 내용적 측면에서도, 두 본문 다 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 왜 현재는 더 경쟁 구조가 되었는지에 대한 설명과, 그것이 관계에 미치는 영향, 그리고 두번째 본문에서는, 왜 우리가 혼자 있는 것이 편하고, 왜 관계가 불편하고 어색한지에 대한 설명/예시를 들어주셔야 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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