▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether or not parents should allow their teenager to take a part-time job to prepare for adult life or not. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take diverse positions on this controversial issue. Personally, I agree with the statement that children could get many things to be a successful person in the future by doing a part-time job.
To begin with, they children can have valuable experience by taking a part-time job. As the world has become complicated and fiercely competitive, people should have a great deal of experience in their fields. (Why's that?) Teenagers can get a great opportunity to have experience to become a bright mind in their field by doing work. (Place of this sentence is not matched with above and next sentence) One of my cousin, KY, for example, has become is a successful chief cook. He owns has three restaurant in Seoul and made is mading a great fortune from his business. When he was a high school student, his dream was to be a famous chief cook and earn great money. One day, he asked his parents that they could to allow him to work in a restaurant. His parents thought that it would be valuable experience for his dream, so they allowed him to do so. He could not only get a good chance to cook in the restaurant, but he also got to know how to manage restaurant and what the most important requisite for being a to be successful restaurant manager is. Whenever he was asked the secret for the success, he used to say that working experience in the restaurant was essential for his success. The same situation can apply to those who have working experience when they are teenagers.
On top of that, teenagers can also have valuable experience to manage their own money. Managing money is as much important as making (earning) money to save money. Thus, the experience of managing money is one of the best way to prepare for adult life. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read an op-ed piece which was related to the topic. It described the result of a study conducted by Seoul National University social science researchers more than 50 teenagers. The researchers asked about their early them whether they had experience to of earning earn their own money on their own, and they divided two gropus. There were two groups participated in the research. The group A was a group of teenagers who hadne had the experience of such, and on the other hand, Group B was not. During half a year, they investigated evaluated their habit and ability to manage their money by giving them the same amount of money. The result was that Group A were more likely to manage their money better than Group B. According to the president of the research group, the reason of the result was that teenagers who had experience to make money out of their house know the difficulty of earning money. This clearly proves that working experience also has a positive effect on the ability to manage money.
To sum up, teenager can not only have valuable experience not only in a workplace, and but also manage in managing their own money through part time job. Therefore, it is a fairly good idea for parents to should allow them to work part-time.
| 채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - 각 단락을 시작할 때에는, 대명사가 아닌, 기존 명사 children을 쓸 수 있도록 해주세요. -아이디어들은 대체로 일관적이지만, 전체적인 그래머와 스펠링 에러가 많고, 문장 구성력이 미흡한 편입니다.
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