There are different opinions regarding whether to achieve success, the company should spend a lot of money in advertising.(앞의 문장과 잘 연결되지 않습니다) Some people might believe that it is sure certain that using enormous money in advertisement for the companies' will be helpful for their successful career.(that 뒤에는 S+V 절이 와야겠죠) However,(문장부호) I am convinced that spending especially scores of money in advertisement does not necessarily contribute to success of the companies. In the following paragraphs, I will explain the detailed and logical reasons over my opinion.
Firstly, it might be result in the burden for ward the companies by using their money in advertisement. To be specific, if the companies pay a large amount of money in advertising, not enough money will be remained to the companies. Then they it will be difficult to enhance the quality of the products. It means they will make advertisement more excessive. Therefore,(문장부호) their sales could dwindle. Thus,(문장부호) it is not the way to guide the companies to success.
Secondly, there are more diverse and valuable strategies willing to use that need a lot of money rather than advertisement. By using their finance in making better merchandises,(문장부호) the companies can maximize their profits that result in companies' success. For example, one chocolate company in Korea is a good example (앞에 For eample과 redundant 합니다). Although the chocolate company released the advertisement in a television but just that is was it all. There are were few stores where these chocolates were being sold was being. However,(문장부호) more and more people found out that this companies' chocolates have are so sweet and outstanding in tastes compared with to those of other companies, so, now most of people in Korea enjoy this companies' chocolates and well know of that. The strategy was spending their money in developing the taste of their products, not advertising. This example shows that even though the advertisement is needed, however, it is not essential for success.
For these reasons I strongly contend that for the companies which try to become more successful making success, spending a lot of money in advertising is not indispensable.
[Score]
20-21
[Feedback]
- Introduction과 Conclusion에 Idea 1&2를 간략히 언급해주시는게 좋아요.
- Idea 1과 2의 차이점을 모르겠어요. 결국 둘 다 광고에 돈을 쓸게 아니라 제품의 질을 향상시키는데 써야한다는 주장 아닌가요?
- Idea 1과 2의 paragraph 길이의 balance를 맞춰주세요. 한 문단만 너무 길어지지 않게요~
- Idea 2에서 든 예시의 의미를 좀 더 명확하게 전달해야 할 것 같아요. 'Although the chocolate company released the advertisement in a television, just that was it.' 이 문장이 그 초콜렛 회사가 광고를 많이 했다는건지 적게 했다는건지 혼란이 올 수 있어요. 차라리 아예 광고를 하지 않았는데 워낙 맛과 퀄리티가 좋아서 입소문 만으로 유명해졌다고 하는게 더 clear 할 것 같아요.
- 마지막으로, 기본적인 문장부호와 문법적 오류를 줄이는데 신경써주세요~