▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that it is not necessary for children to get help from their parents. However, in my opinion, they should rely on their parents whenever making a decision for following two reasons. (여기에 두 가지 이유를 간략하게 언급해주시면 좋아요)
To begin with, children are less likely to make adequate decision since their intellectual abilities are not completed. As a result, they would not be able to consider all aspects of a problem, and finally make emotional and impulsive judgement. In this sense, I will take an example of myself. When I was 9 years old, I wanted to buy a toy and a doll. Although they were quitely expensive, I had sufficient allowance, and could buy them. However, I bought the only one of them with my father’s assistance. If I had bought both of them, I would spend all my money, which was so precious for me. The money was that I saved during for a long time, and it should be used for my mother’s birthday present. In conclusion, I still saved my money thanks to my father’s help. On top of that, since children are short of experience, so it is difficult for them to make right judgement. To be specific, during childhood period, they are likely to have narrow views. In this situation, parents can help them to have diverse indirect experiences and they would be of big help for them. This is because parents have a wide range of experience that children do not have. In particular, their experience of human relationship would be beneficial for their children. For example, when I was young, I fought with my best friend because she misunderstood me that I stabbed her back. It was not true, but I also did not want to solve the problem since my feeling also was also offended by her attitude. However, my mom assisted me that I had to attempt to recover the relationship, so to I explained her the truth for her that the rumor was a lie. I did what she suggested, and we became closer than before. If I did not have not done it, I might regret of losing the best friend. To sum up, since children have incomplete cognitive abilities and little experience, so it would be difficult for them to make best decisions. In this regard, I firmly believe that they have to ask their parent to help before making a decision.
[Score] 28-29 [Feedback] - 전반적으로 잘 써진 글입니다. 글의 흐름도 자연스럽고, 적절한 어휘를 사용했으며, 주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 근거와 예시도 좋습니다. - 다만, 글의 quality를 낮추는 사소한 실수들이 조금 있습니다. 예를 들면, since도 접속사기 때문에 so를 쓸 필요가 없습니다. 그리고 부모님은 두 분이기 때문에 parents 복수형태로 써야겠죠. 더블체크를 통해 이 외의 minor한 문법적 오류들을 줄인다면 만점에도 도전해볼 수 있겠습니다~ |