▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is not appropriate that athletes and entertainers earn too much money. However in my opinion, they deserve a lot of incomes they are paid. This is because they have to spend much money to develop themselves and also overcome very lonely and arduous times. To begin with, most of athletes and entertainers invest so much money in self-management. They endeavor continuously in order to be seen worthy and unique. To be specific, athletes have to diet for their physical exterior and stay in shape. Also they need supervisors and trainers in order to endlessly develop and compete with other players. Singers and actresses try to keep their youth, so cast about better massage shops or plastic surgeries. For instance, I will introduce my cousin's experience to illustrate this point. My cousin started singing in his childhood and he already became a famous singer in Korea. At first, His debut albums were sold out and a lot of fans waited his next activity. But there were dozens of competitions in popular song industries. He wanted to meet prominent producers and companies who would help him to come back but he did not have a lot of money. In conclusion, he could not come back with attractive songs and many fans also cooled down. Through his experience, I realized that it requires so much money in order to survive in entertainment field inside of TV. In addition, they do not have freedom and times for relieving stress. People are always interested in celebrities, thus they do not enjoy times alone. They have to avoid pPaparazzi for their privacy. So it is correct that a lot of money compensate for their boring and tough livfes. For example, there was an experience related to my friend. His name is jJohn and we are childhood friends. He wanted to become a well-known actor. He did not attend school frequently because of attending auditions. Eventually he became a famous artists and got plenty of spotlights. But when I met him recently, his face was not convenient. He said that he had has came down with depression since he debuted. He could not overcome a lot of stresses from fan's attention. Like this experience, prominent people have difficulties to live comfortably. These reasons are why they deserve lots of money. To sum up, celebrities like athletes and entertainers need plenty of earnings for their improvements and also they were very tired to endure a lot of stresses. In this regard, I firmly believe that they deserve enough to get the large amount of incomes.
Good (24–30) 첫번째 본문 -내용 괜찮습니다. -마지막 문장에서, inside of TV 보다 엔터테이먼트 업계의 뜻인 in entertainment field 가 더 적절한 표현입니다.
두번째 본문 -be interested in -paparazzi 고유 명사 아니므로 소문자로 씁니다. -끝에서 세번째 줄에서, 일단 has come down으로 써야합니다. 하지만 간단하게 had라고 하는 것이 깔끔합니다. -내용 괜찮습니다.
두 본문 다 내용 괜찮습니다. 하지만 보다 객관적인 예시를 들었으면 더 좋았을 것이라는 아쉬움이 있습니다.
수고하셨습니다~ |