▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over
whether young people today do not spend their time on helping their society or
not. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take diverse
positions on this controversial issue. Personally, I disagree with the
statement that our societies and communities are being not getting so much helps from
young people.
To begin with, young people are
paying attention on our societies and communities by participating in many
social support programs. Yong people nowadays are interested in social
problems and are willing to improve our society. So, they voluntarily
gather and talk about the social issues and are willing to solve the problems
with other people. When I was a sophomore, for example, I was so interested in
the economic polarization problem. So, I participated in a club in my college.
The aims of club were to have a discussion about how to solve the social
problems, and teach poor children in a community. There were many students
in the club and they were also enthusiastic about dealing with
the social issue. Moreover, we also raised money to help the children
in front of the university's main gate. We could make so much money and grant
the money to the children. This example clearly shows that many young people
are concerned about social issue and their communities and they also spend
their time and effort to help their communities.
On top of that, many companies
and universities are emphasizing on the importance of worker's and
student's personality. So, they usually require the young people to do
many social activities such as volunteering and helping their societies. Young
people volunteer and help their society to prepare for employment recruit and entering
colleges. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read an article which was related
to the topic. It described the result of a study conducted by Seoul National
University social science researchers. A president of the research team,
Professor Kim, said that as the world are becoming competitive, cut-throat
world, young people are getting interested in doing volunteers and helping
their communities to fill out their cover letter. He went on to say that
teenagers who are preparing for entrance into a university, or college students
who are preparing for employment recruit are doing extra-curriculum activities to show
their activeness. He added that this social phenomena have a
positive effect on our society and community because many secluded area
could be helped from the young people. It definitely proves that many young
people are getting interested in helping their societies.
To sum up, many young people are spending
their time helping their society because they are not only concerned about
the social issue, but they are also affected by the policies of companies and
universities.
Good (24–30) 서론 -disagree이므로 not getting이라고 바꿔주셔야 본인이 의도한 뜻에 부합합니다.
두번째 본문 -recruit는 고용이라는 뜻으로, 학생들이 고용을 준비한다는 어색하고 문맥에 맞지 않는 표현입니다. employment를 준비한다가 더 적절합니다. 전체적으로 내용/이유/예시/설명 다 괜찮고 문법도 괜찮습니다. 표현면에서 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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