▶ Your Answer :
There is some discrepancy over whether schools should spend money organizing after-school social clubs or improving school food. Some people might think that improving the food is more important as eating good nutrients is crucial to children. I, however, firmly think that school should invest money for creating making after-school activities. The reasons are as follows. To begin with, by participating in after-school social activities, children can succeed in their career. As society is becoming rapidly specialized and competitive these days, universities or job markets require students to have their own professionalism. By doing social activities consisting of people with same academic goal, children can learn specific subject or their interest deeply, allowing them to be more specialize. Therefore, they can be more competitive in university entrance when entering universities or finding a job. For example, when my brother was in high school, his scores on exams were uniform and did not have any specialized ability. He changed little by little after had changed since he joined after-school club doing social activities of protecting environment. By participating in campaign of reducing energy usage and planting trees, he became more professional in environmental science. Naturally, he got high scores on science and won several earth science contests, which allowse d him to go to named university with major in for environmental science as a major. Without his club activity, he would not be able to succeed in entering well-known university. fall behind. Moreover, doing after-school social activities allows children to strengthen their emotional bonds with their friends. This is because it gives them more chances to socialize with their friends by getting to know and understand each other while doing same activity and spending more time together. Being with friends tends to prevent them from feeling lonely in today's cynical society. For instance, when I was in elementary school I often felt lonely because it was difficult to make friends to rely on at school. However, I was able to get over my feeling of loneliness by participating in after-school social club of cooking. By talking with club members during cooking, I can could promote our relationship and feel security secured with them. Still, I keep in touch with them and have a long-lasting relationship. I believe that such experience shows how after-school activities can affect to children's relationship with their friends. To sum up, I strongly think that schools should invest their money organizing after-school activities rather than providing food of high quality, since after-school activities plays a vital role in children's success in career and relationships with friends. All in all, the importance of participating school social activities cannot be overestimated.
[Score] 24-26 [Feedback] - 무난히 잘 쓰여진 글입니다. 글의 구조와 문장의 흐름도 자연스러웠고, 쉬운 예시를 통해 주장도 잘 뒷받침되었다고 생각합니다. - 다만, 더블체크를 통해 기본적인 문법적 실수(ex. 시제/ 형용사와 명사의 올바른 사용) 등을 줄인다면 더욱 고득점을 받을 수 있는 좋은 글이 될 것 같네요~
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